The Darkest Hour

Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix.
Hot Rod: Prime.
Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus: But Prime, I’m… I’m just a soldier. I… I’m not worthy.
Optimus Prime: Nor was I. But one day, an Autobot shall rise from our ranks, and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour.
Optimus Prime: Until that day, till all are one.

I have been playing my C-game at the table all this week and lost a significant sum of money. The most I’ve ever lost in a short period ever. It is not due to luck but rather my mental state and mental game.

I have been impatient and undisciplined. I have not been focused or locked in. My mental schema is a total mess. I have several theories.

  1. I feel it’s unfair a friend of mine is playing well and and getting very lucky because I feel I work harder than him
  2. My mental focus is in a fog because of my break up.
  3. The stress of losing consistently and playing poorly feeds into that fog and makes it worse. Making the cycle feel permanent.

The mental focus can be imagined like a pie chart of your focus. When you first started to learn how to drive a car, your mind was filled with 100 things. When to shift gears, your mirrors, your spacing in the lane, pedestrians, everything. You could probably not hold a conversation because your focus was so full and required at the task at hand.

After a while, you learned all the nuances and became comfortable. You can fiddle with your stereo, talk with friends, and even play with your phone while driving with your legs. Your mind is free to focus on other things.

So the break up has caused a mental anguish before I even sit down. I feel stressed and forcing myself to play, which causes a host of problems, which encourages the negative feedback loop to continue. I am constantly on ‘auto pilot’ in a bad way. I react with an instant reaction to my hand, and look to force spots to make more aggressive actions. In layman’s terms I am looking to gamble, not play poker.

I will no longer be a victim of circumstance though. These troubling times have created many positive habits that I have been consistent with. I have been crushing the gym and my diet, I am looking lean as hell and on my way to a natural 6 pack. It forced the start of this blog to share my insight and deal with my own shit. I am also doing gratitude and mindset exercises to get back on the horse.

I will be focusing on making money for the next month or so. Once I get out of this whole I will be embarking on a 30 day approach program to solidify my day game which I’ll share here.

I’ll have another post coming soon about my dates with 2 different Korean girls, and how I ‘overgamed’ and was inauthentic. I managed to get Erika out again and my affectionate natural state came out and she is now head over heels for me. It will keep focused without having to go out and find new girls while I grind the gym and the tables.

I am thankful for this stress. It is a great opportunity to become better. It will sharpen and chisel me into a better man if I choose the right path. Once I conquer myself mentally, I can conquer anything.

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