Replay Value

I have a theme for my relationships that is recurring and consistent. I’ll settle down with a girl who I find cute but is not mainstream hot. We will date for 8-10 months, I’ll start to feel I can do better. I’ll get restless and think about all the golden pussy I could be slaying in the streets.

So I dump her.

Then in my days after I am full of vigor and go meet a few new girls, sleep with a couple, and compare them to my last girl. Dagonet discusses this phenomenon in Terminal Oneitis.

So after I compare the girls to my ex I get a little lonely, and I get back with the old girl. This never ends particularly well, I believe it only delays the inevitable. But the girl always takes me back, as I have a silver tongue and can always paint a picture and manipulate emotions. I even had this skill in my blue pill days.

I tried to do this a couple weeks ago with my ex girlfriend J, and I waited too long. J found a new dude, opposite of me. He is the ‘safe’ type, she never really loved the fact that I play cards. A part of me knows this break up is good for me long term. I did not think our age difference (she’s 28 I am 25) or how hot she was (cute, but not super attractive) means it was going to work. However I was happy. In the short term (next year) it made a LOT of sense because I can focus on my game and not have to worry about pussy.

J honestly had a positive impact on my life, and I wanted to strive to do better.

So why the fuck did I break it off?

I wonder if I hold myself to this “Red Pill Ideal” of the virgin immigrant who knows nothing of our western civilization and just follows my lead dutifully. J was everything I have been warned about. She’s 28 (nearing the wall), decent job working finance for a real estate company (career woman) and has her belly button pierced (carousel ride anyone?).

Yet I had a 19 year old submissive [ex]virgin D dote on me hand and foot for weeks and I dumped the teenager so I could be with J. I could do anything with D and get away with it, I was her emotional addiction. I could call her up at 2 am to help me bury a body and she would bring the shovels. I threw away (happily) because I was bored with her. It felt like too much work while I was with her and I couldn’t be bothered. I was only interested in her for the sex.

Am I holding myself to someone else’s standards? Do I really want the feminine innocent girl?

Am I so blind to what I was feeling during the relationship (staleness, like I could do better) because of my emotions and loneliness now? Or did I actually lose something important to me because my ego prodded me to do better?

This is the 3rd girl I have done this with. Some I even cheat on, break up with, then get them back days or weeks later.

My ego does not allow me to sit idly by with a single girl even if I am attached. This is a feature, not a bug. But I always regret the decision a few weeks later after my drug is taken away.

I have to wonder if this is something I need to work on (inner game or whatever). It’s clear this is a recurring theme with my relationships. Either I should trust my intuition while in the relationship (feeling of staleness, knowing we will not last) or I need better coping mechanisms after the break up. With no close male friends I am having difficulty with somewhere to go.

Thankfully Rivelino reached out to me again and his recent blog post “The sweet drug called feminine sexual affection” really hit me hard, so I’ll be reading 60’s books this week.

It’s Friday night on Halloween in a big and I’m 25 years old and heading to the casino to go work after I finish this post. I texted 20 of my closest buddies and they all with girlfriends or staying in. There’s a lot of work to be done (and I feel fine).

Ego is one hell of a drug.