We are what we repeatedly do

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit” – Aristotle

It’s been a long while since I’ve updated. I have been struggling with consistency on extra activity outside poker and gym/diet. I haven’t been approaching, I have barely been going out. After my break up with Jennie, the last girl I had more than affection for, I broke up poorly with Erika the Korean. Since then I’ve gone out a couple of times, gotten drunk/high and been with only mediocre girls.

The first girl I’ve been seeing regularly is a 19 year old Chinese Canadian party girl with all of the red flags you can imagine. Took a gap year to travel, multiple partners at a time, lives on campus at a major university, parents not involved. I met her at a club drunk as hell and took her home first night no questions asked. Her body is tight, but her face is meh. I don’t love spending time with her but it serves my ego to know my fuck game is right to have a hood rat coming back for more.

The second is my first Russian girl. She’s a 27 year old professional, very few partners, very traditional. She was married young and had a sexless marriage while the pair built a business, moved here and divorced and is now working full-time. I am bored by her presence but it is refreshing her feminine energy. She cooks for me, feeds me while we watch movies or I play online. Whenever I am with her she never touches her phone, always entirely present when we are together. The exact opposite of a girl born here. She is long and lithe, however it’s becoming clear to me how addicted I am to Asian girls. This girl is sexy by all accounts, I’ve shown her pic to friends and they all approve, but I have no sex drive around her. It’s kind of incredible.

Contrast that to the Korean Erika who was also feminine, present + cared for me, and the fact that I was like a dog in heat around her 3-4x a day in a 8 hour period. Gives me a bit of a shot in the gut because I was content, just bored.

So I have hit a bit of a lonely road complex. I go to the gym and casino, don’t spend a lot of time with friends and if I do go out I’m rarely sober. Garbage in, garbage out. The more I see mediocre girls the more my subconscious believes this is what I deserve. This creates a feedback cycle where I don’t approach girls I am actually excited about. I keep using the excuse that I am leaving soon, I have a one-way ticket to Vietnam in early April.

Consistency is the key to all this. If I get a good sleep, stay sober and aggressive in my pursuit of girls I really like, while also making myself better every day good things will happen.

At the moment it’s almost like I do not want to succeed. I stay up late working on my poker game watching videos, playing online, even when I know I am going out the next day. So then the weekend comes, I am exhausted and I use stimulants and other things to stay energetic and I simply smash mediocre girls where I feel entitled to their affection.

The benefit to this is I know how to act like a king around women. I do this subconsciously with mediocre girls but having this intention with all women, especially hot girls, will exponentially increase my success.

The feedback cycle is something we are all familiar with.

Shy guy sees cute girl on the transit. He thinks about what it would be like to talk to her. He never approaches. She gets off the bus and he wonders what if. His thoughts “I am a shy guy, it’s weird to approach strangers and talk to a cute girl” become his actions (not approaching the cute girl) which manifests the results (no approach, no interaction).

Compare that to a guy who thinks positive. He sees a cute girl and thinks “Why not? It cannot hurt, I am a cool guy who goes after what he wants”. He approaches girl. The result does not even matter in this particular case because his attitude creates a positive feedback loop either way. If he gets a number/date or even just a pleasant conversation his mind reinforces the belief that he is a social guy and attractive. Even if she is unpleasant the belief is “What a poor girl, I hope her day turns out better”. He knows there is nothing wrong with him, because of his thoughts.

I know what I have to start doing (we all do). The hard part is actually doing it.

Authenticity and the 3 Koreans

Over the past month I had gone out on a first date with 3 different korean girls and they all followed relatively the same pattern. The first two Erika and Jiyoun I met during daygame, the third Julia I met on a night out and stopped her and her friend on the street.

The 3 dates followed the same general formula. I picked them up, took them to a quiet cafe/bar, talked and flirted and got to know them. I then bounced them to another location, either my house or a lookout and attempted to drink more with them, and generally met resistance. I try to escalate and get rebuffed, and it felt like I was forcing the whole thing.

I think I may have forced it because I have in my head this ‘roadmap’ that we are supposed to follow to have success. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable doing it, but it doesn’t feel authentic. I think the girls can feel the incongruity with me forcing the issue trying to fuck them, rather than simply enjoying our time and moving things forward. This may be caused by my self image of wanting to be a player.

How each one ended up is with a makeout in my car and 2 girls falling off the map (Jiyoun and Julia). Erika met up with me after some prying. She mentioned  after our first date ‘She did not have fun, does not want to meet again, and did not think I was a nice person’. She was the one I fucked in my car because I got her horny as hell after SO much LMR. After pushing through her resistance I got her out and on this next date I was relaxed and authentic because we had already fucked, so what did I have to lose?

Each girl was intrigued by my ‘danger’ vibe and personality, but I never allowed the soft affectionate side come out until I was on the 2nd date with Erika. I think this is why the other 2 fell off the map.

A similar thing was true with my ex. She knew my confidence was rock solid, but she also felt my affectionate, emotional side because of I opened up to her about a lot of things. Since being more relaxed on my dates with Erika, she has fallen hard for me and I can see it in her eyes when we fuck.

I think I have hit an evolution in my ‘game’ after the break up and these 3 koreans which have helped me realize that the ‘script’ has its uses, but after you get comfortable with yourself and how to connect with girls you can discard it. Like training wheels on a bicycle, I can now stop worrying about the nitty gritty and trust my instinct and experience and move things forward. My authentic self is cocky and edgy enough that I am not worried about too much ‘soft/vulnerable’ side driving girls away.

I mean shit, I am looking to get tattoos, I play poker for a living and I have a degenerate streak from my past (I even dealt drugs for a short time before poker). Why would I be worried about being too boring for a girl?

I feel relaxed and confident with this new assessment. Maybe the break up does have some positives if I keep these lessons with me. My sleep is still haunted a couple times a week, but having a young sexy girl enamoured with me takes the edge off. I find her a touch boring though, but this may be me comparing week 2 vs 10 months with Jennie. Only time will tell, she is already trying to push the boyfriend route on. Good luck with that babygirl.

The Darkest Hour

Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix.
Hot Rod: Prime.
Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus: But Prime, I’m… I’m just a soldier. I… I’m not worthy.
Optimus Prime: Nor was I. But one day, an Autobot shall rise from our ranks, and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour.
Optimus Prime: Until that day, till all are one.

I have been playing my C-game at the table all this week and lost a significant sum of money. The most I’ve ever lost in a short period ever. It is not due to luck but rather my mental state and mental game.

I have been impatient and undisciplined. I have not been focused or locked in. My mental schema is a total mess. I have several theories.

  1. I feel it’s unfair a friend of mine is playing well and and getting very lucky because I feel I work harder than him
  2. My mental focus is in a fog because of my break up.
  3. The stress of losing consistently and playing poorly feeds into that fog and makes it worse. Making the cycle feel permanent.

The mental focus can be imagined like a pie chart of your focus. When you first started to learn how to drive a car, your mind was filled with 100 things. When to shift gears, your mirrors, your spacing in the lane, pedestrians, everything. You could probably not hold a conversation because your focus was so full and required at the task at hand.

After a while, you learned all the nuances and became comfortable. You can fiddle with your stereo, talk with friends, and even play with your phone while driving with your legs. Your mind is free to focus on other things.

So the break up has caused a mental anguish before I even sit down. I feel stressed and forcing myself to play, which causes a host of problems, which encourages the negative feedback loop to continue. I am constantly on ‘auto pilot’ in a bad way. I react with an instant reaction to my hand, and look to force spots to make more aggressive actions. In layman’s terms I am looking to gamble, not play poker.

I will no longer be a victim of circumstance though. These troubling times have created many positive habits that I have been consistent with. I have been crushing the gym and my diet, I am looking lean as hell and on my way to a natural 6 pack. It forced the start of this blog to share my insight and deal with my own shit. I am also doing gratitude and mindset exercises to get back on the horse.

I will be focusing on making money for the next month or so. Once I get out of this whole I will be embarking on a 30 day approach program to solidify my day game which I’ll share here.

I’ll have another post coming soon about my dates with 2 different Korean girls, and how I ‘overgamed’ and was inauthentic. I managed to get Erika out again and my affectionate natural state came out and she is now head over heels for me. It will keep focused without having to go out and find new girls while I grind the gym and the tables.

I am thankful for this stress. It is a great opportunity to become better. It will sharpen and chisel me into a better man if I choose the right path. Once I conquer myself mentally, I can conquer anything.

The Butterfly Effect

I messaged my ex, J tonight and ended up talking to her on the phone for an hour.

I have felt ‘off’ for over a month now. Riv’s post on sexual affection I thought had covered it, but the issue went deeper. We talked about our relationship and I ended up revealing that for the last 2-3 months I was considering what love is, and if I loved her. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I get caught up in the ‘Game’ of what the right thing is to do, versus what my gut instinct says.

I wanted to meet up and she refused. She knows I can get her emotional but she has been dating a new man for a couple of months. I think she had been considering him as a branch swing for the last few weeks of our relationship but she’d never admit. We did not meet up. I told her I love her and she said at another time she would have had an answer for me. She told me she had felt the love from me, that she thinks I am sweet and a good man. The idea of being a good man is very important to me for some reason, because I come off as brash and arrogant to most people in the beginning.

I never thought we were going to make it long term, because I didn’t think she loved me. I didn’t think she loved me because she didn’t say it. I was waiting for her to say it first, as you are ‘supposed’ to in most game texts. This caused me strife because what I felt was strong for her, but it was not aligning with what I am ‘supposed’ to be doing. She had a couple red flags, navel piercing and she is a bit older, but boil it down and I was happy. I had a cute (was) virgin teenager fawning over me and I dumped her for J. So I am stuck in a dichotomy. Things I am supposed to avoid make me happy, and things I am supposed to cherish do not. This has caused a bit of an identity crisis. I am no longer sure of what I want or what I am looking for.

The rules I have followed, the ones that got me here and guided me to this success are now a map that I followed off a cliff.

I know better, we must treat Game as training wheels, you keep them on until you  are comfortable without them and you discard them.

I do love her, and I believe this is the purest form of love I’ve experienced in my life. Twice before my love for a woman came from a place of scarcity, dating ‘above’ your league. With her it was simply easy to be myself, be authentic, and we would never be bored or anything. This emotional connection has been incredibly rare.

I am not going to wait around or anything. It feels gross to think of her with another man. If her relationship fails it will be more than a few weeks, of which time I will have moved on. Emotionally I am still in shock, it may hit me a week later or three. Right now I just feel like the world is moving at half speed. I am in no rush or hurry, I have no cares or desires, just wandering through the world like a nomad merchant in the desert.

I am glad I found out she did love me and I am glad I told her. It hurts but with this pain comes motivation. The last couple of months I have been just floating through life, now I have my edge back. Everything great came from some man’s rock bottom, where he just cannot take it anymore and rises up. Mediocrity is the numbness that keeps you in place, giving you just enough to keep you complacent.

I lost a deep emotional connection because of my ego, and that hurts. But my ego is what created all of this. I’ll never know or be quite sure what would have happened if I took any of the numerous opportunities to confess my love, but I know I wouldn’t be single now, I wouldn’t even be blogging honestly. Whether or not this shows my ‘true’ colors of being a relationship guy, or sends me over the edge into full player lifestyle will be seen in a couple months.

All in all, that night I went out with my buddy Sunny on a whim to a bar, I got a 10 month relationship and fell in love and lost it all. If you told me this would happen last December, I would snap take that in a heartbeat.

pooh

EDIT:

I met with her tonight and poured my heart out to her. She has no interest in taking me back. She is with a new man and takes her relationships very seriously. I am incredibly jaded and very depressed. This is why I got into Game and pickup, was to find love. My ego did not allow me to express it out of fear. I followed the ‘rules’ that had made me so successful, but it now has blown up in my face. I have now convinced myself that I have made a huge mistake and it really hurts. A part of me believes that I really could have made it work with her long term.

But I am so young and the sphere says don’t go on lock down, find a young virgin international girl to make you happy. But I WAS happy with her, a cute career girl who is a few years older than me with a navel piercing. That certainly does NOT line up with what most guys suggest.

I have so much time, so I am not worried about ending up alone. I just worry that not trusting my gut instinct caused me to lose something really special. The little boy inside was actually right for once, and not the game created persona that has become such a big part of me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I know that girls are not special unique snowflakes, but are all dirty girls who want to be punished and dominated. I cannot go back to my idealistic teenage self, of course. But am I truly a cad in my heart? Is this persona an ideal I can actually build and become?

Or is my true nature that of a little boy, who simply wants to be at ease with his girl in a life of comfort and mediocrity?

casablanca casablanca1

After this though, I’ll simply fuck 10 more girls to get over her and consider what to do then.

Weekend Warrior

I have been not playing well at the casino lately, I believe this to be caused by a host of reasons. A lack of patience after a great October, envy towards a good friend of mine and his easy life (or merely my perception that his life is easy), and a feeling that I am ‘behind’ in my life (which is a ridiculous notion that implies I am letting society or other’s expectations influence my own happiness, not a good sign).

So I made an effort to go out Friday and Saturday night to make some friends and meet some girls, take a break from the casino.

Friday night I was stone cold sober, I met a friend of mine downtown T and was introduced to his good friend G. G and I chatted and got along well, and I hit on a couple cute blonde girls (I almost exclusively go for asians, but we were at a white bar).

I was good at introducing and my warm energy was on spot, but I never aggressively went after my target until much later in the night. I found out way too late she had a boyfriend and it’s my own fault for not being more aggressive and potentially finding another girl. Not that I was invested in getting laid that night, but I was certainly out of practice in night game.

Positives are I made a couple new friends, the girl and G, who I think I will see again. I also met a band member that plays at the bar every week.

Negatives are I was in my head a bit too much and wasn’t closing. I understand that night game is hard and fast screening, something I am not as comfortable with.

Saturday I took some phenibut and met up with some friends I met at a rave in Las Vegas. Couple of cool guys I get along with, one a selfish beta type who leeches state and I met a couple other guys who I am apathetic towards. It was a weird night.

My state was hugely elevated due to the phenibut and a couple beers. Phenibut in essence decreases your alcohol tolerance (it takes a lot for me to get drunk) and decreases social anxiety. It basically makes me more energetic and talkative with little to no social anxiety. It’s fun but I don’t do it often. We started drinking in a park and I saw a cute girl walking with her friend so I jumped in and started chatting them up. They were heading home so I brought them with my group and we all eventually headed to get food and then a pub.

My girl J was really cute, she has the big doe eyes I like in asian girls, and big lips. Her friend was chubby but not ugly, which caused a lot of attention from people downtown. If I was talking with friends, dudes would hit on either one of them. I left them a couple of times unguarded in the pub or outside and guys would swoop in a heartbeat. I was in social butterfly mood so I was looking to meet new people rather than get laid but it’s clear I can’t have multiple goals in a night.

After we left the pub I had to stop my friend from fighting a dude on the street. This guy John had sat at our table and ordered pitchers and tried to not pay for them. It was trivial like $20 but it’s amazing how much people wish to leech off of you in night game. In the 5 minutes I lost the two girls as two random dudes off the street invited them back to their apartment! I called them they came back but the 2 guys offered to bring me along to their apartment. I obliged as I couldn’t exactly leave my girl alone, but this was new territory.

At the apartment it certainly felt like the two of them had a game going on where one would distract me with conversation under the guise of making friends while the other tried to isolate my girl. I originally felt that maybe I was being paranoid but the house owner after an hour or so tried to start a fight with me. I was saying I was going to leave around 4 am to go meet my friends and head home, he said he didn’t want me to drive drunk so I had to stay or leave in that moment.

It was funny because his other friend attempted to be on my side but I am convinced now it was a silly act they had cooked up. I bounced as both girls were kinda passed out and I am not convinced anything happened, but wouldn’t be surprised if it did. Met up with friends and continued to drink until morning.

Girls have the attention span of children and I cannot be surprised that while helping my boys they were going to wander. I am glad I got a little bit out of my system, I need to make more time to be a social butterfly. It’s necessary for my health and happiness, just like proper sleep and exercise.