We are what we repeatedly do

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit” – Aristotle

It’s been a long while since I’ve updated. I have been struggling with consistency on extra activity outside poker and gym/diet. I haven’t been approaching, I have barely been going out. After my break up with Jennie, the last girl I had more than affection for, I broke up poorly with Erika the Korean. Since then I’ve gone out a couple of times, gotten drunk/high and been with only mediocre girls.

The first girl I’ve been seeing regularly is a 19 year old Chinese Canadian party girl with all of the red flags you can imagine. Took a gap year to travel, multiple partners at a time, lives on campus at a major university, parents not involved. I met her at a club drunk as hell and took her home first night no questions asked. Her body is tight, but her face is meh. I don’t love spending time with her but it serves my ego to know my fuck game is right to have a hood rat coming back for more.

The second is my first Russian girl. She’s a 27 year old professional, very few partners, very traditional. She was married young and had a sexless marriage while the pair built a business, moved here and divorced and is now working full-time. I am bored by her presence but it is refreshing her feminine energy. She cooks for me, feeds me while we watch movies or I play online. Whenever I am with her she never touches her phone, always entirely present when we are together. The exact opposite of a girl born here. She is long and lithe, however it’s becoming clear to me how addicted I am to Asian girls. This girl is sexy by all accounts, I’ve shown her pic to friends and they all approve, but I have no sex drive around her. It’s kind of incredible.

Contrast that to the Korean Erika who was also feminine, present + cared for me, and the fact that I was like a dog in heat around her 3-4x a day in a 8 hour period. Gives me a bit of a shot in the gut because I was content, just bored.

So I have hit a bit of a lonely road complex. I go to the gym and casino, don’t spend a lot of time with friends and if I do go out I’m rarely sober. Garbage in, garbage out. The more I see mediocre girls the more my subconscious believes this is what I deserve. This creates a feedback cycle where I don’t approach girls I am actually excited about. I keep using the excuse that I am leaving soon, I have a one-way ticket to Vietnam in early April.

Consistency is the key to all this. If I get a good sleep, stay sober and aggressive in my pursuit of girls I really like, while also making myself better every day good things will happen.

At the moment it’s almost like I do not want to succeed. I stay up late working on my poker game watching videos, playing online, even when I know I am going out the next day. So then the weekend comes, I am exhausted and I use stimulants and other things to stay energetic and I simply smash mediocre girls where I feel entitled to their affection.

The benefit to this is I know how to act like a king around women. I do this subconsciously with mediocre girls but having this intention with all women, especially hot girls, will exponentially increase my success.

The feedback cycle is something we are all familiar with.

Shy guy sees cute girl on the transit. He thinks about what it would be like to talk to her. He never approaches. She gets off the bus and he wonders what if. His thoughts “I am a shy guy, it’s weird to approach strangers and talk to a cute girl” become his actions (not approaching the cute girl) which manifests the results (no approach, no interaction).

Compare that to a guy who thinks positive. He sees a cute girl and thinks “Why not? It cannot hurt, I am a cool guy who goes after what he wants”. He approaches girl. The result does not even matter in this particular case because his attitude creates a positive feedback loop either way. If he gets a number/date or even just a pleasant conversation his mind reinforces the belief that he is a social guy and attractive. Even if she is unpleasant the belief is “What a poor girl, I hope her day turns out better”. He knows there is nothing wrong with him, because of his thoughts.

I know what I have to start doing (we all do). The hard part is actually doing it.

The Darkest Hour

Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix.
Hot Rod: Prime.
Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus: But Prime, I’m… I’m just a soldier. I… I’m not worthy.
Optimus Prime: Nor was I. But one day, an Autobot shall rise from our ranks, and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour.
Optimus Prime: Until that day, till all are one.

I have been playing my C-game at the table all this week and lost a significant sum of money. The most I’ve ever lost in a short period ever. It is not due to luck but rather my mental state and mental game.

I have been impatient and undisciplined. I have not been focused or locked in. My mental schema is a total mess. I have several theories.

  1. I feel it’s unfair a friend of mine is playing well and and getting very lucky because I feel I work harder than him
  2. My mental focus is in a fog because of my break up.
  3. The stress of losing consistently and playing poorly feeds into that fog and makes it worse. Making the cycle feel permanent.

The mental focus can be imagined like a pie chart of your focus. When you first started to learn how to drive a car, your mind was filled with 100 things. When to shift gears, your mirrors, your spacing in the lane, pedestrians, everything. You could probably not hold a conversation because your focus was so full and required at the task at hand.

After a while, you learned all the nuances and became comfortable. You can fiddle with your stereo, talk with friends, and even play with your phone while driving with your legs. Your mind is free to focus on other things.

So the break up has caused a mental anguish before I even sit down. I feel stressed and forcing myself to play, which causes a host of problems, which encourages the negative feedback loop to continue. I am constantly on ‘auto pilot’ in a bad way. I react with an instant reaction to my hand, and look to force spots to make more aggressive actions. In layman’s terms I am looking to gamble, not play poker.

I will no longer be a victim of circumstance though. These troubling times have created many positive habits that I have been consistent with. I have been crushing the gym and my diet, I am looking lean as hell and on my way to a natural 6 pack. It forced the start of this blog to share my insight and deal with my own shit. I am also doing gratitude and mindset exercises to get back on the horse.

I will be focusing on making money for the next month or so. Once I get out of this whole I will be embarking on a 30 day approach program to solidify my day game which I’ll share here.

I’ll have another post coming soon about my dates with 2 different Korean girls, and how I ‘overgamed’ and was inauthentic. I managed to get Erika out again and my affectionate natural state came out and she is now head over heels for me. It will keep focused without having to go out and find new girls while I grind the gym and the tables.

I am thankful for this stress. It is a great opportunity to become better. It will sharpen and chisel me into a better man if I choose the right path. Once I conquer myself mentally, I can conquer anything.