My night out with an old shark

I met a man in a casino maybe 10 months ago. He was an odd man, smooth talking while also selling pendants and dressed extravagantly. Almost like a pickup artist who took ‘peacocking’ too far, but with a sense of style, albeit exaggerated style. A foil to his risk adverse, nit poker style.

HK style
Almost like a competent ‘PUA’
poker rock
His opening range

Over the last couple months we spoke more at the casino about life and girls. He was a friendly guy, a man of abundance, and gratitude. It’s a rare feeling when you meet a man who ‘gets it’. I felt from his presence and when we spoke about women he and I were on the same page, unplugged. I learned he is a DJ for private events and he invited me out to come party with him “VIP” style.

I am a chatty guy at the tables, it probably works to my disadvantage because many recognize me and it may make me a focal point. Often recreational players invite me to house games or to party but very rarely when numbers exchange does it lead anywhere. Men you meet at the casino are flakier than girls.

He mentions we should hang out first week of December, and I think nothing of it. I pick up a call from him on Friday saying we are going out tomorrow, and do I want candy (MDMA). Sure, let’s rock.

When he spoke of VIP style, I thought he had maybe a single club where he knew the bouncers and could get us in for free. Clubbing in Vancouver is an absolute shit show. It’s as bad as Vegas, if not worse. In Vegas at least money always gets you in, in Vancouver that’s not always true. You need to know somebody.

This man knew everybody.

We get to the first club and he knows all the bouncers, we skip the line and pay no cover and we don’t get frisked. We go to the bartender, and he talks to them all. We bounce around 3 different clubs the whole night and the script stays the exact same.

Pass through bouncers/security with not even an ID check. Greet coat girls and bartenders, get a free drink + tip bartender and head to DJ booth. Chill in DJ booth dancing. Girls either came up to us and said some inane shit ‘I had to meet you, you’re cute, etc etc” or I could motion I like a girl, we would point to her ‘come hither’ and the girl would light up and come grind on your dick.

Literally point at her and choose, like a child at a candy store.

I’ve had tables in Vegas and bottle service blah blah but this was another beast altogether. It was a cheat code. DJ/status game knows no bounds.

I now know what it means to be The Chosen.

I was exhausted from a broken sleep schedule (combination of being jumped a week before + ending up in hospital last weekend and stress) so I was running on 2 hours and not that interested in chasing girls. I could not find a girl I was really into.

I also felt gross.

These bitches just see me having access and would suck my dick. No game, no personality no nothing. It felt so hollow. Part of the high of the ‘chase’ and gaming a girl for me is the validation of my ego knowing I spit hot fire to get her. That girls want me because they see my strength, wit, personality/whatever. Daygame does that. You put it all out on the line, and she tests you and you’re off. But this status game? It’s not me.

It reminds me of this Bill Burr skit where he says ‘those women stand at the finish line and wait to suck your dick’

Maybe it was my fatigue, or being picky, or not having my type of girl in supply (not many asians, couple rare white girls I liked but couldn’t be bothered). But I didn’t feel good meeting these random hood rats.

Cyralea on The Red Pill subreddit explains it perfectly “The day fish jump into my boat is the day I quit fishing.”

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Authenticity and the 3 Koreans

Over the past month I had gone out on a first date with 3 different korean girls and they all followed relatively the same pattern. The first two Erika and Jiyoun I met during daygame, the third Julia I met on a night out and stopped her and her friend on the street.

The 3 dates followed the same general formula. I picked them up, took them to a quiet cafe/bar, talked and flirted and got to know them. I then bounced them to another location, either my house or a lookout and attempted to drink more with them, and generally met resistance. I try to escalate and get rebuffed, and it felt like I was forcing the whole thing.

I think I may have forced it because I have in my head this ‘roadmap’ that we are supposed to follow to have success. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable doing it, but it doesn’t feel authentic. I think the girls can feel the incongruity with me forcing the issue trying to fuck them, rather than simply enjoying our time and moving things forward. This may be caused by my self image of wanting to be a player.

How each one ended up is with a makeout in my car and 2 girls falling off the map (Jiyoun and Julia). Erika met up with me after some prying. She mentioned  after our first date ‘She did not have fun, does not want to meet again, and did not think I was a nice person’. She was the one I fucked in my car because I got her horny as hell after SO much LMR. After pushing through her resistance I got her out and on this next date I was relaxed and authentic because we had already fucked, so what did I have to lose?

Each girl was intrigued by my ‘danger’ vibe and personality, but I never allowed the soft affectionate side come out until I was on the 2nd date with Erika. I think this is why the other 2 fell off the map.

A similar thing was true with my ex. She knew my confidence was rock solid, but she also felt my affectionate, emotional side because of I opened up to her about a lot of things. Since being more relaxed on my dates with Erika, she has fallen hard for me and I can see it in her eyes when we fuck.

I think I have hit an evolution in my ‘game’ after the break up and these 3 koreans which have helped me realize that the ‘script’ has its uses, but after you get comfortable with yourself and how to connect with girls you can discard it. Like training wheels on a bicycle, I can now stop worrying about the nitty gritty and trust my instinct and experience and move things forward. My authentic self is cocky and edgy enough that I am not worried about too much ‘soft/vulnerable’ side driving girls away.

I mean shit, I am looking to get tattoos, I play poker for a living and I have a degenerate streak from my past (I even dealt drugs for a short time before poker). Why would I be worried about being too boring for a girl?

I feel relaxed and confident with this new assessment. Maybe the break up does have some positives if I keep these lessons with me. My sleep is still haunted a couple times a week, but having a young sexy girl enamoured with me takes the edge off. I find her a touch boring though, but this may be me comparing week 2 vs 10 months with Jennie. Only time will tell, she is already trying to push the boyfriend route on. Good luck with that babygirl.

The Darkest Hour

Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix.
Hot Rod: Prime.
Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus: But Prime, I’m… I’m just a soldier. I… I’m not worthy.
Optimus Prime: Nor was I. But one day, an Autobot shall rise from our ranks, and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour.
Optimus Prime: Until that day, till all are one.

I have been playing my C-game at the table all this week and lost a significant sum of money. The most I’ve ever lost in a short period ever. It is not due to luck but rather my mental state and mental game.

I have been impatient and undisciplined. I have not been focused or locked in. My mental schema is a total mess. I have several theories.

  1. I feel it’s unfair a friend of mine is playing well and and getting very lucky because I feel I work harder than him
  2. My mental focus is in a fog because of my break up.
  3. The stress of losing consistently and playing poorly feeds into that fog and makes it worse. Making the cycle feel permanent.

The mental focus can be imagined like a pie chart of your focus. When you first started to learn how to drive a car, your mind was filled with 100 things. When to shift gears, your mirrors, your spacing in the lane, pedestrians, everything. You could probably not hold a conversation because your focus was so full and required at the task at hand.

After a while, you learned all the nuances and became comfortable. You can fiddle with your stereo, talk with friends, and even play with your phone while driving with your legs. Your mind is free to focus on other things.

So the break up has caused a mental anguish before I even sit down. I feel stressed and forcing myself to play, which causes a host of problems, which encourages the negative feedback loop to continue. I am constantly on ‘auto pilot’ in a bad way. I react with an instant reaction to my hand, and look to force spots to make more aggressive actions. In layman’s terms I am looking to gamble, not play poker.

I will no longer be a victim of circumstance though. These troubling times have created many positive habits that I have been consistent with. I have been crushing the gym and my diet, I am looking lean as hell and on my way to a natural 6 pack. It forced the start of this blog to share my insight and deal with my own shit. I am also doing gratitude and mindset exercises to get back on the horse.

I will be focusing on making money for the next month or so. Once I get out of this whole I will be embarking on a 30 day approach program to solidify my day game which I’ll share here.

I’ll have another post coming soon about my dates with 2 different Korean girls, and how I ‘overgamed’ and was inauthentic. I managed to get Erika out again and my affectionate natural state came out and she is now head over heels for me. It will keep focused without having to go out and find new girls while I grind the gym and the tables.

I am thankful for this stress. It is a great opportunity to become better. It will sharpen and chisel me into a better man if I choose the right path. Once I conquer myself mentally, I can conquer anything.

Your Ex-Lover is Dead

If there’s one thing about game I was naturally good at, it was getting back together with ex girlfriends.

My first relationship was the typical late bloomer hottie who was insecure and I must have dumped her 15 times only to get bring her back over the course of 3.5 years.

One time she even started dating a close friend of mine for a month, and I still managed to play puppeteer.

If there’s one thing I have learned from all these breakups is that there is a timeline of how to get an ex girlfriend back. First you must go cold turkey and not talk to her. The sweet spot is right around 3 weeks where you have let her miss you, she’s feeling a little lonely and she probably hasn’t looked to replace you yet.

You text her or call her in a moment of weakness, preferably at night. The cycle is simple, you pour out your heart, get her emotional and move things forward.

The script is flipped and and infinitely more complicated if you were dumped, or if she believes she dumped you. If you waited longer than a month and she has a new man, I think the door is closed. If she initiated the break up, she’s already considered this for several weeks, and tried to encourage the man to do it himself, before finally getting frustrated and taking charge.

You have no hope at this point.

Your ex-lover is dead.

The girl you knew is gone. She existed in a moment with you in that relationship in that time frame. She is no longer the same person with you, because you’ve changed in her eyes. Whether she is apathetic towards you, or she lost attraction towards you, or she replaced you with a new man. Anything you try to recreate at this point is artificial. A hologram of what you once held.

Rollo has two great posts on this War Brides and Rooting Through Garbage.

A girl who is already on the way out, will only be repelled by your affection and your expressions of love. This is why most pickup advice revolves around making yourself better, not texting her, going off the grid. A relationship can be akin to an open palm of sand. If you feel frightened and try to close your fist around the sane, it falls through your fingers. Even if you open your palm afterwards, it will never be the same.

This is why the men are encouraged to find new ones, because it’s easier to kindle a new love, than it is to use the ashes of an old flame. You can never recreate what once was, so you may as well start chopping down some trees for the next fires.

The reason it’s so hard is because men and women love differently, but I’ll get into that another time.

The Little Boy

Tonight, I let my little boy out.

You know the one, we all have one. Remember in grade school and you offered your crush a flower? In high school we wrote poems, gave gifts, imagined our entire lives together as a married couple.

Eventually, we run enough gambits as naive boys to the girls we like, and eventually we get rejected so much we fall. We fall down a pit of despair longer and longer until we hit the ground.

Rock bottom.

Maybe it was 22 years as a involuntary incel through high school and college. Maybe you lucked into a couple random flings and married a woman for a decade, only to be divorced at 35 and clueless. Maybe it was your first long term high school girlfriend who dumped you when you both reached college. We all had a different path but eventually the path looks so dark ahead we would try anything to get out.

Then we discovered Game.

Game tells you to be the opposite of the little boy. Don’t be nice, be an asshole. Have an edge about you, discover your masculinity and dominate her femininity. Throw things at her, pull her hair, poke her.

Beginner success may have come slow or fast but you eventually hit a point where something unbelievable happens to you. Maybe you kiss a girl within moments of meeting her, or you get your first one night stand but you eventually learn to fake enough confidence and you start to see the cracks in the matrix.

Is this really possible? I can DO this? You start to feel like maybe you’re more than a minnow following the school of fish in the vast ocean, and maybe there’s more to blind luck in the dating game. The little boy struggles against your new found persona.

You start to have more success until you fall for a new girl, this one a little different. This one maybe could be a long term thing, maybe you start to get a little comfortable around her, not put in so much effort. The little boy comes out again in a moment of weakness as you fall back into your old comfortable self and CRACK.

You hit your ass on the pavement as she pulls the rug out from under your feet.

Then you have a decision to make, do I go back to the ‘old’ me with this knowledge, or do I go over the edge and create a new identity which will create more success, sending you off into the deep end into a new reality you didn’t know was possible. You either choose to nurture the little boy inside you and go back to what you know, or you dive off the deep end and discover what could be.

I chose the deep end.

I went out and hit on anything with a heartbeat. I did a boot camp, hustled the bars at night and relentlessly went after notches like a rabid hyena. The little boy starved and the wolf inside me fed. I was heartless, cheating on girls, seizing any opportunity to get another notch, regardless of the wasteland I left behind. Strangers, friends of friends, girls at house parties when my ‘girlfriend’ was there.

I never found love. The little boy thought he had found love, but really it was desperation for me to hang onto a girl when I thought I couldn’t do better. That’s not love that’s addiction.

One day I met a girl on the street named Kalina after a intramural sport event. I asked her and her friends to join my friends for lunch. She was a sexy 20 year old, big feminine eyes, nice ass and tits, and one of the most affection submissive girls I had ever been with. We started dating, and a few months in my little boy came out. I took it easy, I wanted to be comfortable. I didn’t think I could do any better, I was too invested in her. She started to feel it too.

Patrice O’Neal said that however long it takes a bitch to break you down, that’s how long she’ll stay with you to enjoy the spoils.

About 9 months in the signs were coming in but I was too inexperienced to notice. She asked me to come over and talk, and I finally put it together. The little boy came out in desperation mode, I tried every trick in the book to get her emotional, get her horny, but it was too far gone. In a hail mary moment I clutched onto my childish beliefs and I dropped the L word, I told her I loved her.

Her eyes instantly changed to pity.

A dagger into my heart, a knot in my stomach so deep and so familiar from the rejections I had suffered in high school as a bitch boy beta. I was devastated.

My moment of weakness, my little boy resurfaced.

Cue 6 months of self pity and self destruction. About 3 months after the break up I started on a pussy crusade. I went after anything and everything and I vowed never to let the little boy see the light of day. Game works, it got me the girl. I get soft, the girl leaves, it all makes sense. This got me out of my depression. I didn’t get attached for another 2 years to a girl, leaving a wasteland of devastation behind.

Until Jennie.

Jennie is the ex.

My ego never left me say “I love you” first, because the books and the gurus say not to. My instinct was to tell her 8 months in, but I couldn’t and now she’s gone for better or for worse. How could I not have learned from Kalina? But alas, my experience has taught me much, and I must learn to trust my gut even if it means discarding certain tenets of Game.

If I trusted my gut, and let the little boy out, maybe things would be different. But I let the little boy out a 100 times before as an adolescence and it never worked, why would I believe any differently now?

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know which side to feed. Do I trust my gut instinct above all else? Letting the little boy destroy a few (dozen) maybe girls to possibly find a girl to love? Or do I stick to what I know, the fast lay, R selected playboy who gets laid and then ends up lonely. Feeding wolves

Who do I feed?

The Butterfly Effect

I messaged my ex, J tonight and ended up talking to her on the phone for an hour.

I have felt ‘off’ for over a month now. Riv’s post on sexual affection I thought had covered it, but the issue went deeper. We talked about our relationship and I ended up revealing that for the last 2-3 months I was considering what love is, and if I loved her. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I get caught up in the ‘Game’ of what the right thing is to do, versus what my gut instinct says.

I wanted to meet up and she refused. She knows I can get her emotional but she has been dating a new man for a couple of months. I think she had been considering him as a branch swing for the last few weeks of our relationship but she’d never admit. We did not meet up. I told her I love her and she said at another time she would have had an answer for me. She told me she had felt the love from me, that she thinks I am sweet and a good man. The idea of being a good man is very important to me for some reason, because I come off as brash and arrogant to most people in the beginning.

I never thought we were going to make it long term, because I didn’t think she loved me. I didn’t think she loved me because she didn’t say it. I was waiting for her to say it first, as you are ‘supposed’ to in most game texts. This caused me strife because what I felt was strong for her, but it was not aligning with what I am ‘supposed’ to be doing. She had a couple red flags, navel piercing and she is a bit older, but boil it down and I was happy. I had a cute (was) virgin teenager fawning over me and I dumped her for J. So I am stuck in a dichotomy. Things I am supposed to avoid make me happy, and things I am supposed to cherish do not. This has caused a bit of an identity crisis. I am no longer sure of what I want or what I am looking for.

The rules I have followed, the ones that got me here and guided me to this success are now a map that I followed off a cliff.

I know better, we must treat Game as training wheels, you keep them on until you  are comfortable without them and you discard them.

I do love her, and I believe this is the purest form of love I’ve experienced in my life. Twice before my love for a woman came from a place of scarcity, dating ‘above’ your league. With her it was simply easy to be myself, be authentic, and we would never be bored or anything. This emotional connection has been incredibly rare.

I am not going to wait around or anything. It feels gross to think of her with another man. If her relationship fails it will be more than a few weeks, of which time I will have moved on. Emotionally I am still in shock, it may hit me a week later or three. Right now I just feel like the world is moving at half speed. I am in no rush or hurry, I have no cares or desires, just wandering through the world like a nomad merchant in the desert.

I am glad I found out she did love me and I am glad I told her. It hurts but with this pain comes motivation. The last couple of months I have been just floating through life, now I have my edge back. Everything great came from some man’s rock bottom, where he just cannot take it anymore and rises up. Mediocrity is the numbness that keeps you in place, giving you just enough to keep you complacent.

I lost a deep emotional connection because of my ego, and that hurts. But my ego is what created all of this. I’ll never know or be quite sure what would have happened if I took any of the numerous opportunities to confess my love, but I know I wouldn’t be single now, I wouldn’t even be blogging honestly. Whether or not this shows my ‘true’ colors of being a relationship guy, or sends me over the edge into full player lifestyle will be seen in a couple months.

All in all, that night I went out with my buddy Sunny on a whim to a bar, I got a 10 month relationship and fell in love and lost it all. If you told me this would happen last December, I would snap take that in a heartbeat.

pooh

EDIT:

I met with her tonight and poured my heart out to her. She has no interest in taking me back. She is with a new man and takes her relationships very seriously. I am incredibly jaded and very depressed. This is why I got into Game and pickup, was to find love. My ego did not allow me to express it out of fear. I followed the ‘rules’ that had made me so successful, but it now has blown up in my face. I have now convinced myself that I have made a huge mistake and it really hurts. A part of me believes that I really could have made it work with her long term.

But I am so young and the sphere says don’t go on lock down, find a young virgin international girl to make you happy. But I WAS happy with her, a cute career girl who is a few years older than me with a navel piercing. That certainly does NOT line up with what most guys suggest.

I have so much time, so I am not worried about ending up alone. I just worry that not trusting my gut instinct caused me to lose something really special. The little boy inside was actually right for once, and not the game created persona that has become such a big part of me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I know that girls are not special unique snowflakes, but are all dirty girls who want to be punished and dominated. I cannot go back to my idealistic teenage self, of course. But am I truly a cad in my heart? Is this persona an ideal I can actually build and become?

Or is my true nature that of a little boy, who simply wants to be at ease with his girl in a life of comfort and mediocrity?

casablanca casablanca1

After this though, I’ll simply fuck 10 more girls to get over her and consider what to do then.

Weekend Warrior

I have been not playing well at the casino lately, I believe this to be caused by a host of reasons. A lack of patience after a great October, envy towards a good friend of mine and his easy life (or merely my perception that his life is easy), and a feeling that I am ‘behind’ in my life (which is a ridiculous notion that implies I am letting society or other’s expectations influence my own happiness, not a good sign).

So I made an effort to go out Friday and Saturday night to make some friends and meet some girls, take a break from the casino.

Friday night I was stone cold sober, I met a friend of mine downtown T and was introduced to his good friend G. G and I chatted and got along well, and I hit on a couple cute blonde girls (I almost exclusively go for asians, but we were at a white bar).

I was good at introducing and my warm energy was on spot, but I never aggressively went after my target until much later in the night. I found out way too late she had a boyfriend and it’s my own fault for not being more aggressive and potentially finding another girl. Not that I was invested in getting laid that night, but I was certainly out of practice in night game.

Positives are I made a couple new friends, the girl and G, who I think I will see again. I also met a band member that plays at the bar every week.

Negatives are I was in my head a bit too much and wasn’t closing. I understand that night game is hard and fast screening, something I am not as comfortable with.

Saturday I took some phenibut and met up with some friends I met at a rave in Las Vegas. Couple of cool guys I get along with, one a selfish beta type who leeches state and I met a couple other guys who I am apathetic towards. It was a weird night.

My state was hugely elevated due to the phenibut and a couple beers. Phenibut in essence decreases your alcohol tolerance (it takes a lot for me to get drunk) and decreases social anxiety. It basically makes me more energetic and talkative with little to no social anxiety. It’s fun but I don’t do it often. We started drinking in a park and I saw a cute girl walking with her friend so I jumped in and started chatting them up. They were heading home so I brought them with my group and we all eventually headed to get food and then a pub.

My girl J was really cute, she has the big doe eyes I like in asian girls, and big lips. Her friend was chubby but not ugly, which caused a lot of attention from people downtown. If I was talking with friends, dudes would hit on either one of them. I left them a couple of times unguarded in the pub or outside and guys would swoop in a heartbeat. I was in social butterfly mood so I was looking to meet new people rather than get laid but it’s clear I can’t have multiple goals in a night.

After we left the pub I had to stop my friend from fighting a dude on the street. This guy John had sat at our table and ordered pitchers and tried to not pay for them. It was trivial like $20 but it’s amazing how much people wish to leech off of you in night game. In the 5 minutes I lost the two girls as two random dudes off the street invited them back to their apartment! I called them they came back but the 2 guys offered to bring me along to their apartment. I obliged as I couldn’t exactly leave my girl alone, but this was new territory.

At the apartment it certainly felt like the two of them had a game going on where one would distract me with conversation under the guise of making friends while the other tried to isolate my girl. I originally felt that maybe I was being paranoid but the house owner after an hour or so tried to start a fight with me. I was saying I was going to leave around 4 am to go meet my friends and head home, he said he didn’t want me to drive drunk so I had to stay or leave in that moment.

It was funny because his other friend attempted to be on my side but I am convinced now it was a silly act they had cooked up. I bounced as both girls were kinda passed out and I am not convinced anything happened, but wouldn’t be surprised if it did. Met up with friends and continued to drink until morning.

Girls have the attention span of children and I cannot be surprised that while helping my boys they were going to wander. I am glad I got a little bit out of my system, I need to make more time to be a social butterfly. It’s necessary for my health and happiness, just like proper sleep and exercise.