One step forward, two steps back

I’ve always been bad at breaking up with girls.

Whether I’ve loved them, liked them or couldn’t care about them.

Whether I thought we were destined to break up, date for a while, or get married.

It never mattered because I would habitually break up with them, have a few weeks of “freedom” and miss them and then convince her to take me back.

Some girls let me do this once to them, most girls let it happen several times, one even let it happen 15 times. But the story was always the same.

I get bored, or horny and I break up. I meet/date/fuck a new girl. New girl and I mess around for 2-3 weeks. I miss the ex, drop new girl and get back together with ex.

I had it down to a system. I could write an e-book about this shit and sell it. I wasn’t self aware of my emotional manipulation, of how I was always getting these girls back, but it did follow a timeline/blueprint of sorts.

But I never understood why I always broke up and got back together. What were the reasons behind my actions?

Maybe it was comfort, maybe it was enjoying the status quo, maybe it was me not wanting to go back into the dating world with a wounded ego.

None of this made sense though. I would have trouble breaking up with girls even if I had several others on the go. It wasn’t scarcity or a lack of options. It wasn’t fear of jumping back into the dating scene.

But even when I knew I would never date a girl long-term, or even monogamously I still kept her around in the worst kind of way. Having her hang on to scraps of my affection, trying to win my heart over, putting in 100% effort while I put in 20%.

I probably stumbled onto some sort of good “Relationship Game” and how relationships are supposed to be, but I was never happy feeling relative apathy towards my girls.

Yet I’ve been on the other side, the “Beta” bitch side where my girl is my world and I am madly in love with no masculine edge or leadership, and I’ve been burned by that before too. I’m no bitch and I know the man should lead the relationship and fulfill the masculine role. Both sexes are happiest this way. But why do I have this habit? Why do I stay with girls long after I’ve checked out mentally. Like an athlete that can’t retire after his star has burned out, struggling against Father Time as he wastes away. Think Kobe firing up 100 shots while limping to the finish line, dragging the Lakers win total into the mud with it.

To give an example, I met a girl 18 months ago at a party. This cute, shy, sensitive Chinese girl, 19 years old. My buddy calls them “Googly eyed Asians” and basically, any asian girl with big, expressive eyes + a cute face is my kryptonite.

googly-eyed-asian
“googly eyed Asian, close to a 10 for me”
She knew me in the sports community and I had social status from playing on the university/club teams, as well as coaching high school programs. We danced a bit that night, I took her out a couple of times and popped her cherry.

She and I dated for a few months while she knew I was seeing others. I was the only one she was seeing. This girl was a virgin and taught me the meaning that there is no such thing as a ‘good girl’ (halfway through our first bang I started to hold her down + choke her, and she looked at me and said slap me). Eventually I grew bored of her. I wish I could phrase this any other way but I lost the spark and I dropped her over text. A selfish, immature play and she’s quite sensitive so it made it that much worse.

Fast forward a year to this past August and I see her at a party in the summer, for a sport tournament. I was wasted, she was buzzed. I was also in a relatively lean place with girls, coming back from traveling only having a single girl in my rotation. I ran the same script I always do when it comes to girls who I’ve burned and how to win back their hearts.

I rev up the emotions, tell her I miss her without being needy. With this girl I know she has low self esteem so I turn up the sappy emotions, turn down the asshole. You always know internally whether a girl sees you as a legit bad boy, or a nice guy with edge. There’s a big difference.

So I chatted with her for a bit, learned she had a boyfriend, revved up her emotions and then proceeded to run around the party for a bit. Met with her later and spent a couple hours with her, she was guarded + resistant as hell. I managed to smooth it over and within two dates we are fucking again.

At the time, both at the party and while going on dates with her (before fucking) I genuinely believed that there’s a <0% that we end up together. I’m not intentionally playing her along just to fuck, I would never do that.

However the same script happened again. I alpha widowed her a year ago, we start fucking on the side and within a month I am bored of her. She’s heart broken, hasn’t broken up with her boy, because she wants to be with me. I have mistreated her, unintentionally, and yet it’s the same story every time.

I ask myself the same questions.

Is this scarcity mindset?

Am I a terrible person?

Why do I always do this?

Maybe I am close to a breakthrough of “The Red Pill” in seeing women’s duplicity and actions for what they are. I get glimpses of the Matrix through the actions of girls who are head over heels in love with me.

I go through a cycle with every girl I date. Most girls stick around in a mini relationship with me for 4-8 months. There are 2 basic types: the party girls + the good girls.

The party girls I meet at a club, Tinder, or music events. We party + drink together + fuck a lot. She usually has more experience than I with drinking + drugs, or its equal. After 6-8 months they want commitment, I would never “wife up a hoodrat”. Even if I like a girl, The Red Pill taught me that you should never commit to a party girl, a girl with a high notch count, my ego and pride would never allow it, no matter how much fun I really do have with them.

So after dropping a party girl, I swing back to meeting “good girls”. I meet them through day game, mutual friends, cafes + sport communities. With good girls I take the lead, take them out to ‘proper’ dates, rarely take drugs + alcohol with them, or if I do it’s ME who is the expert, not HER. I show her new exciting experiences, she falls in love with me cause I’m a “good guy” but I’m not boring like the rest. I play poker for a living, I travel, I do drugs. Within 3-4 months (faster than the party girls) she wants commitment, and I try it. I really do try. But within 2 months of committing I’m bored and I want to party, I want to do drugs, I want the bad, slutty girls who I would never wife up. So the good girl gets left behind.

With a broken heart.

For months.

Until I see her at the next party.

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The opposite of love

The opposite of love, is hate right?

Women are emotional creatures. While men speak of honor and how their words bond men together, never do women offer the same.

Men are bound by their words, a promise is worth its weight in gold from an honorable man. A man who spoke yesterday, is still responsible for his words today. The order of freemasons, samurai and knights were all-male institutions which uphold a code of ethics, something greater than any one member. Never has such a thing existed with only females.

Women are emotional. Their words and actions are all dictated by ebbs and flows. She may have said “I love you” yesterday, but she may not mean it today. It’s transient to a women, everything they do is operated by ‘how they feel, in the moment’. Feelings can change at a moment’s notice, which is why mood swings and volatile women are significantly more common then men. Men are not often moody, if they are it’s seen as a personality trait, not a mood swing “He’s always like this, he’s just an asshole, you don’t know him like I do”

When you are out with a woman, it is necessary to invoke emotions. Without invoking emotions, you are lost. This is why nice guys who don’t act on their sexuality and their intentions with a girl, end up losing. They take a girl out to dinner, they watch a movie, and they talk. It is a brutality.

Women crave leadership, they crave spontaneity, and they crave excitement. You take her for a coffee or a movie and you are doing what every other guy out there is already doing. She will be bored, it will be regular and normal, and you will fall into the routine of being a friend, not a potential mate (fuck).

You need to create an emotional ride for her, it does not even need to be positive. If you create anger and frustration it’s still much better than boredom or routine. A woman does not need to like you to sleep with you, attraction is not a choice.

This is why when you break up with a girl and cause incredible heartbreak, it is always possible to get her back. You invoked powerful emotions in her, and the switch from negative to positive is much easier than weak to strong.

However, if a girl breaks up with you, there is very little you can do to get her back. If it got to the point where she had to make the decision, she took control of the situation, and executed(all masculine traits) then you are lost. At that point, she has no emotions towards you, and it is not worth the uphill battle to fight.

We have all dealt with rejection and the friends ladder, and we’ve all had passionate fights with our girlfriends and lovers. Make up sex is far more frequent than getting an old friend to fall for you.

The opposite of love was never hate.

It’s apathy.

Authenticity and the 3 Koreans

Over the past month I had gone out on a first date with 3 different korean girls and they all followed relatively the same pattern. The first two Erika and Jiyoun I met during daygame, the third Julia I met on a night out and stopped her and her friend on the street.

The 3 dates followed the same general formula. I picked them up, took them to a quiet cafe/bar, talked and flirted and got to know them. I then bounced them to another location, either my house or a lookout and attempted to drink more with them, and generally met resistance. I try to escalate and get rebuffed, and it felt like I was forcing the whole thing.

I think I may have forced it because I have in my head this ‘roadmap’ that we are supposed to follow to have success. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable doing it, but it doesn’t feel authentic. I think the girls can feel the incongruity with me forcing the issue trying to fuck them, rather than simply enjoying our time and moving things forward. This may be caused by my self image of wanting to be a player.

How each one ended up is with a makeout in my car and 2 girls falling off the map (Jiyoun and Julia). Erika met up with me after some prying. She mentioned  after our first date ‘She did not have fun, does not want to meet again, and did not think I was a nice person’. She was the one I fucked in my car because I got her horny as hell after SO much LMR. After pushing through her resistance I got her out and on this next date I was relaxed and authentic because we had already fucked, so what did I have to lose?

Each girl was intrigued by my ‘danger’ vibe and personality, but I never allowed the soft affectionate side come out until I was on the 2nd date with Erika. I think this is why the other 2 fell off the map.

A similar thing was true with my ex. She knew my confidence was rock solid, but she also felt my affectionate, emotional side because of I opened up to her about a lot of things. Since being more relaxed on my dates with Erika, she has fallen hard for me and I can see it in her eyes when we fuck.

I think I have hit an evolution in my ‘game’ after the break up and these 3 koreans which have helped me realize that the ‘script’ has its uses, but after you get comfortable with yourself and how to connect with girls you can discard it. Like training wheels on a bicycle, I can now stop worrying about the nitty gritty and trust my instinct and experience and move things forward. My authentic self is cocky and edgy enough that I am not worried about too much ‘soft/vulnerable’ side driving girls away.

I mean shit, I am looking to get tattoos, I play poker for a living and I have a degenerate streak from my past (I even dealt drugs for a short time before poker). Why would I be worried about being too boring for a girl?

I feel relaxed and confident with this new assessment. Maybe the break up does have some positives if I keep these lessons with me. My sleep is still haunted a couple times a week, but having a young sexy girl enamoured with me takes the edge off. I find her a touch boring though, but this may be me comparing week 2 vs 10 months with Jennie. Only time will tell, she is already trying to push the boyfriend route on. Good luck with that babygirl.

Your Ex-Lover is Dead

If there’s one thing about game I was naturally good at, it was getting back together with ex girlfriends.

My first relationship was the typical late bloomer hottie who was insecure and I must have dumped her 15 times only to get bring her back over the course of 3.5 years.

One time she even started dating a close friend of mine for a month, and I still managed to play puppeteer.

If there’s one thing I have learned from all these breakups is that there is a timeline of how to get an ex girlfriend back. First you must go cold turkey and not talk to her. The sweet spot is right around 3 weeks where you have let her miss you, she’s feeling a little lonely and she probably hasn’t looked to replace you yet.

You text her or call her in a moment of weakness, preferably at night. The cycle is simple, you pour out your heart, get her emotional and move things forward.

The script is flipped and and infinitely more complicated if you were dumped, or if she believes she dumped you. If you waited longer than a month and she has a new man, I think the door is closed. If she initiated the break up, she’s already considered this for several weeks, and tried to encourage the man to do it himself, before finally getting frustrated and taking charge.

You have no hope at this point.

Your ex-lover is dead.

The girl you knew is gone. She existed in a moment with you in that relationship in that time frame. She is no longer the same person with you, because you’ve changed in her eyes. Whether she is apathetic towards you, or she lost attraction towards you, or she replaced you with a new man. Anything you try to recreate at this point is artificial. A hologram of what you once held.

Rollo has two great posts on this War Brides and Rooting Through Garbage.

A girl who is already on the way out, will only be repelled by your affection and your expressions of love. This is why most pickup advice revolves around making yourself better, not texting her, going off the grid. A relationship can be akin to an open palm of sand. If you feel frightened and try to close your fist around the sane, it falls through your fingers. Even if you open your palm afterwards, it will never be the same.

This is why the men are encouraged to find new ones, because it’s easier to kindle a new love, than it is to use the ashes of an old flame. You can never recreate what once was, so you may as well start chopping down some trees for the next fires.

The reason it’s so hard is because men and women love differently, but I’ll get into that another time.

The Little Boy

Tonight, I let my little boy out.

You know the one, we all have one. Remember in grade school and you offered your crush a flower? In high school we wrote poems, gave gifts, imagined our entire lives together as a married couple.

Eventually, we run enough gambits as naive boys to the girls we like, and eventually we get rejected so much we fall. We fall down a pit of despair longer and longer until we hit the ground.

Rock bottom.

Maybe it was 22 years as a involuntary incel through high school and college. Maybe you lucked into a couple random flings and married a woman for a decade, only to be divorced at 35 and clueless. Maybe it was your first long term high school girlfriend who dumped you when you both reached college. We all had a different path but eventually the path looks so dark ahead we would try anything to get out.

Then we discovered Game.

Game tells you to be the opposite of the little boy. Don’t be nice, be an asshole. Have an edge about you, discover your masculinity and dominate her femininity. Throw things at her, pull her hair, poke her.

Beginner success may have come slow or fast but you eventually hit a point where something unbelievable happens to you. Maybe you kiss a girl within moments of meeting her, or you get your first one night stand but you eventually learn to fake enough confidence and you start to see the cracks in the matrix.

Is this really possible? I can DO this? You start to feel like maybe you’re more than a minnow following the school of fish in the vast ocean, and maybe there’s more to blind luck in the dating game. The little boy struggles against your new found persona.

You start to have more success until you fall for a new girl, this one a little different. This one maybe could be a long term thing, maybe you start to get a little comfortable around her, not put in so much effort. The little boy comes out again in a moment of weakness as you fall back into your old comfortable self and CRACK.

You hit your ass on the pavement as she pulls the rug out from under your feet.

Then you have a decision to make, do I go back to the ‘old’ me with this knowledge, or do I go over the edge and create a new identity which will create more success, sending you off into the deep end into a new reality you didn’t know was possible. You either choose to nurture the little boy inside you and go back to what you know, or you dive off the deep end and discover what could be.

I chose the deep end.

I went out and hit on anything with a heartbeat. I did a boot camp, hustled the bars at night and relentlessly went after notches like a rabid hyena. The little boy starved and the wolf inside me fed. I was heartless, cheating on girls, seizing any opportunity to get another notch, regardless of the wasteland I left behind. Strangers, friends of friends, girls at house parties when my ‘girlfriend’ was there.

I never found love. The little boy thought he had found love, but really it was desperation for me to hang onto a girl when I thought I couldn’t do better. That’s not love that’s addiction.

One day I met a girl on the street named Kalina after a intramural sport event. I asked her and her friends to join my friends for lunch. She was a sexy 20 year old, big feminine eyes, nice ass and tits, and one of the most affection submissive girls I had ever been with. We started dating, and a few months in my little boy came out. I took it easy, I wanted to be comfortable. I didn’t think I could do any better, I was too invested in her. She started to feel it too.

Patrice O’Neal said that however long it takes a bitch to break you down, that’s how long she’ll stay with you to enjoy the spoils.

About 9 months in the signs were coming in but I was too inexperienced to notice. She asked me to come over and talk, and I finally put it together. The little boy came out in desperation mode, I tried every trick in the book to get her emotional, get her horny, but it was too far gone. In a hail mary moment I clutched onto my childish beliefs and I dropped the L word, I told her I loved her.

Her eyes instantly changed to pity.

A dagger into my heart, a knot in my stomach so deep and so familiar from the rejections I had suffered in high school as a bitch boy beta. I was devastated.

My moment of weakness, my little boy resurfaced.

Cue 6 months of self pity and self destruction. About 3 months after the break up I started on a pussy crusade. I went after anything and everything and I vowed never to let the little boy see the light of day. Game works, it got me the girl. I get soft, the girl leaves, it all makes sense. This got me out of my depression. I didn’t get attached for another 2 years to a girl, leaving a wasteland of devastation behind.

Until Jennie.

Jennie is the ex.

My ego never left me say “I love you” first, because the books and the gurus say not to. My instinct was to tell her 8 months in, but I couldn’t and now she’s gone for better or for worse. How could I not have learned from Kalina? But alas, my experience has taught me much, and I must learn to trust my gut even if it means discarding certain tenets of Game.

If I trusted my gut, and let the little boy out, maybe things would be different. But I let the little boy out a 100 times before as an adolescence and it never worked, why would I believe any differently now?

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know which side to feed. Do I trust my gut instinct above all else? Letting the little boy destroy a few (dozen) maybe girls to possibly find a girl to love? Or do I stick to what I know, the fast lay, R selected playboy who gets laid and then ends up lonely. Feeding wolves

Who do I feed?

The Butterfly Effect

I messaged my ex, J tonight and ended up talking to her on the phone for an hour.

I have felt ‘off’ for over a month now. Riv’s post on sexual affection I thought had covered it, but the issue went deeper. We talked about our relationship and I ended up revealing that for the last 2-3 months I was considering what love is, and if I loved her. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I get caught up in the ‘Game’ of what the right thing is to do, versus what my gut instinct says.

I wanted to meet up and she refused. She knows I can get her emotional but she has been dating a new man for a couple of months. I think she had been considering him as a branch swing for the last few weeks of our relationship but she’d never admit. We did not meet up. I told her I love her and she said at another time she would have had an answer for me. She told me she had felt the love from me, that she thinks I am sweet and a good man. The idea of being a good man is very important to me for some reason, because I come off as brash and arrogant to most people in the beginning.

I never thought we were going to make it long term, because I didn’t think she loved me. I didn’t think she loved me because she didn’t say it. I was waiting for her to say it first, as you are ‘supposed’ to in most game texts. This caused me strife because what I felt was strong for her, but it was not aligning with what I am ‘supposed’ to be doing. She had a couple red flags, navel piercing and she is a bit older, but boil it down and I was happy. I had a cute (was) virgin teenager fawning over me and I dumped her for J. So I am stuck in a dichotomy. Things I am supposed to avoid make me happy, and things I am supposed to cherish do not. This has caused a bit of an identity crisis. I am no longer sure of what I want or what I am looking for.

The rules I have followed, the ones that got me here and guided me to this success are now a map that I followed off a cliff.

I know better, we must treat Game as training wheels, you keep them on until you  are comfortable without them and you discard them.

I do love her, and I believe this is the purest form of love I’ve experienced in my life. Twice before my love for a woman came from a place of scarcity, dating ‘above’ your league. With her it was simply easy to be myself, be authentic, and we would never be bored or anything. This emotional connection has been incredibly rare.

I am not going to wait around or anything. It feels gross to think of her with another man. If her relationship fails it will be more than a few weeks, of which time I will have moved on. Emotionally I am still in shock, it may hit me a week later or three. Right now I just feel like the world is moving at half speed. I am in no rush or hurry, I have no cares or desires, just wandering through the world like a nomad merchant in the desert.

I am glad I found out she did love me and I am glad I told her. It hurts but with this pain comes motivation. The last couple of months I have been just floating through life, now I have my edge back. Everything great came from some man’s rock bottom, where he just cannot take it anymore and rises up. Mediocrity is the numbness that keeps you in place, giving you just enough to keep you complacent.

I lost a deep emotional connection because of my ego, and that hurts. But my ego is what created all of this. I’ll never know or be quite sure what would have happened if I took any of the numerous opportunities to confess my love, but I know I wouldn’t be single now, I wouldn’t even be blogging honestly. Whether or not this shows my ‘true’ colors of being a relationship guy, or sends me over the edge into full player lifestyle will be seen in a couple months.

All in all, that night I went out with my buddy Sunny on a whim to a bar, I got a 10 month relationship and fell in love and lost it all. If you told me this would happen last December, I would snap take that in a heartbeat.

pooh

EDIT:

I met with her tonight and poured my heart out to her. She has no interest in taking me back. She is with a new man and takes her relationships very seriously. I am incredibly jaded and very depressed. This is why I got into Game and pickup, was to find love. My ego did not allow me to express it out of fear. I followed the ‘rules’ that had made me so successful, but it now has blown up in my face. I have now convinced myself that I have made a huge mistake and it really hurts. A part of me believes that I really could have made it work with her long term.

But I am so young and the sphere says don’t go on lock down, find a young virgin international girl to make you happy. But I WAS happy with her, a cute career girl who is a few years older than me with a navel piercing. That certainly does NOT line up with what most guys suggest.

I have so much time, so I am not worried about ending up alone. I just worry that not trusting my gut instinct caused me to lose something really special. The little boy inside was actually right for once, and not the game created persona that has become such a big part of me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I know that girls are not special unique snowflakes, but are all dirty girls who want to be punished and dominated. I cannot go back to my idealistic teenage self, of course. But am I truly a cad in my heart? Is this persona an ideal I can actually build and become?

Or is my true nature that of a little boy, who simply wants to be at ease with his girl in a life of comfort and mediocrity?

casablanca casablanca1

After this though, I’ll simply fuck 10 more girls to get over her and consider what to do then.

Replay Value

I have a theme for my relationships that is recurring and consistent. I’ll settle down with a girl who I find cute but is not mainstream hot. We will date for 8-10 months, I’ll start to feel I can do better. I’ll get restless and think about all the golden pussy I could be slaying in the streets.

So I dump her.

Then in my days after I am full of vigor and go meet a few new girls, sleep with a couple, and compare them to my last girl. Dagonet discusses this phenomenon in Terminal Oneitis.

So after I compare the girls to my ex I get a little lonely, and I get back with the old girl. This never ends particularly well, I believe it only delays the inevitable. But the girl always takes me back, as I have a silver tongue and can always paint a picture and manipulate emotions. I even had this skill in my blue pill days.

I tried to do this a couple weeks ago with my ex girlfriend J, and I waited too long. J found a new dude, opposite of me. He is the ‘safe’ type, she never really loved the fact that I play cards. A part of me knows this break up is good for me long term. I did not think our age difference (she’s 28 I am 25) or how hot she was (cute, but not super attractive) means it was going to work. However I was happy. In the short term (next year) it made a LOT of sense because I can focus on my game and not have to worry about pussy.

J honestly had a positive impact on my life, and I wanted to strive to do better.

So why the fuck did I break it off?

I wonder if I hold myself to this “Red Pill Ideal” of the virgin immigrant who knows nothing of our western civilization and just follows my lead dutifully. J was everything I have been warned about. She’s 28 (nearing the wall), decent job working finance for a real estate company (career woman) and has her belly button pierced (carousel ride anyone?).

Yet I had a 19 year old submissive [ex]virgin D dote on me hand and foot for weeks and I dumped the teenager so I could be with J. I could do anything with D and get away with it, I was her emotional addiction. I could call her up at 2 am to help me bury a body and she would bring the shovels. I threw away (happily) because I was bored with her. It felt like too much work while I was with her and I couldn’t be bothered. I was only interested in her for the sex.

Am I holding myself to someone else’s standards? Do I really want the feminine innocent girl?

Am I so blind to what I was feeling during the relationship (staleness, like I could do better) because of my emotions and loneliness now? Or did I actually lose something important to me because my ego prodded me to do better?

This is the 3rd girl I have done this with. Some I even cheat on, break up with, then get them back days or weeks later.

My ego does not allow me to sit idly by with a single girl even if I am attached. This is a feature, not a bug. But I always regret the decision a few weeks later after my drug is taken away.

I have to wonder if this is something I need to work on (inner game or whatever). It’s clear this is a recurring theme with my relationships. Either I should trust my intuition while in the relationship (feeling of staleness, knowing we will not last) or I need better coping mechanisms after the break up. With no close male friends I am having difficulty with somewhere to go.

Thankfully Rivelino reached out to me again and his recent blog post “The sweet drug called feminine sexual affection” really hit me hard, so I’ll be reading 60’s books this week.

It’s Friday night on Halloween in a big and I’m 25 years old and heading to the casino to go work after I finish this post. I texted 20 of my closest buddies and they all with girlfriends or staying in. There’s a lot of work to be done (and I feel fine).

Ego is one hell of a drug.