Man’s Prison

“Men are not prisoners of fate, but of their own mind” – Franklin Roosevelt

I just came back from the bank where I deposited some cash from the tables. I often have to go talk to tellers because I’m less likely to get flagged when moving money. The bank and the government think I am unemployed and living at home so it gets shady sometimes.

The teller today was an old acquaintance I met through an ex girlfriend years ago. I saw him last March before I headed to South East Asia for the first time and he is working the same job, now recently single, and living at home. This cat is 25 years old and would have an “above average” stable job working at the bank with “decent money”.

He’s a good man, and we got along. Even now, with no spark of life in his eyes, he was genuinely happy for me and my travels. He even admitted “I don’t have the balls to do it, I like the stability”. I wanted to weep. He hasn’t even been considered for a promotion.

Why?

The automation is coming. Bank’s don’t need tellers anymore, even though he speaks 3 languages and has a degree. This isn’t a guy getting phased out at fucking Mcdonald’s. He speaks 3 languages and has a undergrad in business.

And he’s getting phased out.

You’re a young man born in the first world! We literally have the entire world at our feet. Even if you go broke at 25, even 30. Who gives a shit? You have friends, family, there’s a couch out there SOMEWHERE if you went busto. Then you can come back to the same hell you live in now, a 9-5 job with no time, no money, no potential and no freedom.

I was in a funk coming back from London + Spain. I was focusing on all the wrong things. I broke up with a girl, I couldn’t hang out with Riv much in Madrid, I didn’t get laid in Spain.

This interaction brought me back to the reality. The reality of most men in this world. Shit job, shit money, no girl, no freedom. The “lucky ones?”. Decent job, decent money, one meh girl, and NO FREEDOM.

What do I have in comparison to that?

Seemingly everything.

I work for myself and no other. I play poker for a living. I have a great roommate and a few great friends. I have friends all over the world from this desolate blog in a corner of a corner of the internet. I traveled to 3 continents and 4 countries this year. I have my health. I’ve fucked more girls than 10 men combined. I answer to no one.

And I barely worked for this!

I’m not saying I was lazy, I had some things that helped me along the way. I had a poker coach, but I worked for hours on my game. I approached the girls, I hit the gym, I took the risks. Honestly, my effort wasn’t that great, it’s just the average guy must not do anything!

When I compare myself to the real hustlers, I’m so far behind. Guys like Krauser and Tom travel the world and fuck girls. Guys like Kyle + James left their 6 figures office jobs to have the freedom to do what they want, with their own business.

My man Riv, 6 years from a divorce, 2000 approaches later decided to move to a foreign country. In his 40’s he now two banging girlfriends, 21 and 24 years old!

When I look at them, I want to be like them. I want to do the work and create the same lifestyle they do. My heart swells with optimism about the future.

When I look back at my old life, the same dead eyes I once had, I now stare into.

It’s as if I am an escaped convict, bringing news of the outside world and it’s possibilities to the inmates I left behind. They look at me and yearn for the life I have.

When we were all locked up together, in that old prison the guards threw us in and slammed the cell shut. But the guards have all left, the prison long abandoned.

Except for the prisoners, chained by their disbelief in their cells.

They just never tried the door.

Authenticity and the 3 Koreans

Over the past month I had gone out on a first date with 3 different korean girls and they all followed relatively the same pattern. The first two Erika and Jiyoun I met during daygame, the third Julia I met on a night out and stopped her and her friend on the street.

The 3 dates followed the same general formula. I picked them up, took them to a quiet cafe/bar, talked and flirted and got to know them. I then bounced them to another location, either my house or a lookout and attempted to drink more with them, and generally met resistance. I try to escalate and get rebuffed, and it felt like I was forcing the whole thing.

I think I may have forced it because I have in my head this ‘roadmap’ that we are supposed to follow to have success. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable doing it, but it doesn’t feel authentic. I think the girls can feel the incongruity with me forcing the issue trying to fuck them, rather than simply enjoying our time and moving things forward. This may be caused by my self image of wanting to be a player.

How each one ended up is with a makeout in my car and 2 girls falling off the map (Jiyoun and Julia). Erika met up with me after some prying. She mentioned  after our first date ‘She did not have fun, does not want to meet again, and did not think I was a nice person’. She was the one I fucked in my car because I got her horny as hell after SO much LMR. After pushing through her resistance I got her out and on this next date I was relaxed and authentic because we had already fucked, so what did I have to lose?

Each girl was intrigued by my ‘danger’ vibe and personality, but I never allowed the soft affectionate side come out until I was on the 2nd date with Erika. I think this is why the other 2 fell off the map.

A similar thing was true with my ex. She knew my confidence was rock solid, but she also felt my affectionate, emotional side because of I opened up to her about a lot of things. Since being more relaxed on my dates with Erika, she has fallen hard for me and I can see it in her eyes when we fuck.

I think I have hit an evolution in my ‘game’ after the break up and these 3 koreans which have helped me realize that the ‘script’ has its uses, but after you get comfortable with yourself and how to connect with girls you can discard it. Like training wheels on a bicycle, I can now stop worrying about the nitty gritty and trust my instinct and experience and move things forward. My authentic self is cocky and edgy enough that I am not worried about too much ‘soft/vulnerable’ side driving girls away.

I mean shit, I am looking to get tattoos, I play poker for a living and I have a degenerate streak from my past (I even dealt drugs for a short time before poker). Why would I be worried about being too boring for a girl?

I feel relaxed and confident with this new assessment. Maybe the break up does have some positives if I keep these lessons with me. My sleep is still haunted a couple times a week, but having a young sexy girl enamoured with me takes the edge off. I find her a touch boring though, but this may be me comparing week 2 vs 10 months with Jennie. Only time will tell, she is already trying to push the boyfriend route on. Good luck with that babygirl.

The Little Boy

Tonight, I let my little boy out.

You know the one, we all have one. Remember in grade school and you offered your crush a flower? In high school we wrote poems, gave gifts, imagined our entire lives together as a married couple.

Eventually, we run enough gambits as naive boys to the girls we like, and eventually we get rejected so much we fall. We fall down a pit of despair longer and longer until we hit the ground.

Rock bottom.

Maybe it was 22 years as a involuntary incel through high school and college. Maybe you lucked into a couple random flings and married a woman for a decade, only to be divorced at 35 and clueless. Maybe it was your first long term high school girlfriend who dumped you when you both reached college. We all had a different path but eventually the path looks so dark ahead we would try anything to get out.

Then we discovered Game.

Game tells you to be the opposite of the little boy. Don’t be nice, be an asshole. Have an edge about you, discover your masculinity and dominate her femininity. Throw things at her, pull her hair, poke her.

Beginner success may have come slow or fast but you eventually hit a point where something unbelievable happens to you. Maybe you kiss a girl within moments of meeting her, or you get your first one night stand but you eventually learn to fake enough confidence and you start to see the cracks in the matrix.

Is this really possible? I can DO this? You start to feel like maybe you’re more than a minnow following the school of fish in the vast ocean, and maybe there’s more to blind luck in the dating game. The little boy struggles against your new found persona.

You start to have more success until you fall for a new girl, this one a little different. This one maybe could be a long term thing, maybe you start to get a little comfortable around her, not put in so much effort. The little boy comes out again in a moment of weakness as you fall back into your old comfortable self and CRACK.

You hit your ass on the pavement as she pulls the rug out from under your feet.

Then you have a decision to make, do I go back to the ‘old’ me with this knowledge, or do I go over the edge and create a new identity which will create more success, sending you off into the deep end into a new reality you didn’t know was possible. You either choose to nurture the little boy inside you and go back to what you know, or you dive off the deep end and discover what could be.

I chose the deep end.

I went out and hit on anything with a heartbeat. I did a boot camp, hustled the bars at night and relentlessly went after notches like a rabid hyena. The little boy starved and the wolf inside me fed. I was heartless, cheating on girls, seizing any opportunity to get another notch, regardless of the wasteland I left behind. Strangers, friends of friends, girls at house parties when my ‘girlfriend’ was there.

I never found love. The little boy thought he had found love, but really it was desperation for me to hang onto a girl when I thought I couldn’t do better. That’s not love that’s addiction.

One day I met a girl on the street named Kalina after a intramural sport event. I asked her and her friends to join my friends for lunch. She was a sexy 20 year old, big feminine eyes, nice ass and tits, and one of the most affection submissive girls I had ever been with. We started dating, and a few months in my little boy came out. I took it easy, I wanted to be comfortable. I didn’t think I could do any better, I was too invested in her. She started to feel it too.

Patrice O’Neal said that however long it takes a bitch to break you down, that’s how long she’ll stay with you to enjoy the spoils.

About 9 months in the signs were coming in but I was too inexperienced to notice. She asked me to come over and talk, and I finally put it together. The little boy came out in desperation mode, I tried every trick in the book to get her emotional, get her horny, but it was too far gone. In a hail mary moment I clutched onto my childish beliefs and I dropped the L word, I told her I loved her.

Her eyes instantly changed to pity.

A dagger into my heart, a knot in my stomach so deep and so familiar from the rejections I had suffered in high school as a bitch boy beta. I was devastated.

My moment of weakness, my little boy resurfaced.

Cue 6 months of self pity and self destruction. About 3 months after the break up I started on a pussy crusade. I went after anything and everything and I vowed never to let the little boy see the light of day. Game works, it got me the girl. I get soft, the girl leaves, it all makes sense. This got me out of my depression. I didn’t get attached for another 2 years to a girl, leaving a wasteland of devastation behind.

Until Jennie.

Jennie is the ex.

My ego never left me say “I love you” first, because the books and the gurus say not to. My instinct was to tell her 8 months in, but I couldn’t and now she’s gone for better or for worse. How could I not have learned from Kalina? But alas, my experience has taught me much, and I must learn to trust my gut even if it means discarding certain tenets of Game.

If I trusted my gut, and let the little boy out, maybe things would be different. But I let the little boy out a 100 times before as an adolescence and it never worked, why would I believe any differently now?

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know which side to feed. Do I trust my gut instinct above all else? Letting the little boy destroy a few (dozen) maybe girls to possibly find a girl to love? Or do I stick to what I know, the fast lay, R selected playboy who gets laid and then ends up lonely. Feeding wolves

Who do I feed?

The Butterfly Effect

I messaged my ex, J tonight and ended up talking to her on the phone for an hour.

I have felt ‘off’ for over a month now. Riv’s post on sexual affection I thought had covered it, but the issue went deeper. We talked about our relationship and I ended up revealing that for the last 2-3 months I was considering what love is, and if I loved her. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I get caught up in the ‘Game’ of what the right thing is to do, versus what my gut instinct says.

I wanted to meet up and she refused. She knows I can get her emotional but she has been dating a new man for a couple of months. I think she had been considering him as a branch swing for the last few weeks of our relationship but she’d never admit. We did not meet up. I told her I love her and she said at another time she would have had an answer for me. She told me she had felt the love from me, that she thinks I am sweet and a good man. The idea of being a good man is very important to me for some reason, because I come off as brash and arrogant to most people in the beginning.

I never thought we were going to make it long term, because I didn’t think she loved me. I didn’t think she loved me because she didn’t say it. I was waiting for her to say it first, as you are ‘supposed’ to in most game texts. This caused me strife because what I felt was strong for her, but it was not aligning with what I am ‘supposed’ to be doing. She had a couple red flags, navel piercing and she is a bit older, but boil it down and I was happy. I had a cute (was) virgin teenager fawning over me and I dumped her for J. So I am stuck in a dichotomy. Things I am supposed to avoid make me happy, and things I am supposed to cherish do not. This has caused a bit of an identity crisis. I am no longer sure of what I want or what I am looking for.

The rules I have followed, the ones that got me here and guided me to this success are now a map that I followed off a cliff.

I know better, we must treat Game as training wheels, you keep them on until you  are comfortable without them and you discard them.

I do love her, and I believe this is the purest form of love I’ve experienced in my life. Twice before my love for a woman came from a place of scarcity, dating ‘above’ your league. With her it was simply easy to be myself, be authentic, and we would never be bored or anything. This emotional connection has been incredibly rare.

I am not going to wait around or anything. It feels gross to think of her with another man. If her relationship fails it will be more than a few weeks, of which time I will have moved on. Emotionally I am still in shock, it may hit me a week later or three. Right now I just feel like the world is moving at half speed. I am in no rush or hurry, I have no cares or desires, just wandering through the world like a nomad merchant in the desert.

I am glad I found out she did love me and I am glad I told her. It hurts but with this pain comes motivation. The last couple of months I have been just floating through life, now I have my edge back. Everything great came from some man’s rock bottom, where he just cannot take it anymore and rises up. Mediocrity is the numbness that keeps you in place, giving you just enough to keep you complacent.

I lost a deep emotional connection because of my ego, and that hurts. But my ego is what created all of this. I’ll never know or be quite sure what would have happened if I took any of the numerous opportunities to confess my love, but I know I wouldn’t be single now, I wouldn’t even be blogging honestly. Whether or not this shows my ‘true’ colors of being a relationship guy, or sends me over the edge into full player lifestyle will be seen in a couple months.

All in all, that night I went out with my buddy Sunny on a whim to a bar, I got a 10 month relationship and fell in love and lost it all. If you told me this would happen last December, I would snap take that in a heartbeat.

pooh

EDIT:

I met with her tonight and poured my heart out to her. She has no interest in taking me back. She is with a new man and takes her relationships very seriously. I am incredibly jaded and very depressed. This is why I got into Game and pickup, was to find love. My ego did not allow me to express it out of fear. I followed the ‘rules’ that had made me so successful, but it now has blown up in my face. I have now convinced myself that I have made a huge mistake and it really hurts. A part of me believes that I really could have made it work with her long term.

But I am so young and the sphere says don’t go on lock down, find a young virgin international girl to make you happy. But I WAS happy with her, a cute career girl who is a few years older than me with a navel piercing. That certainly does NOT line up with what most guys suggest.

I have so much time, so I am not worried about ending up alone. I just worry that not trusting my gut instinct caused me to lose something really special. The little boy inside was actually right for once, and not the game created persona that has become such a big part of me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I know that girls are not special unique snowflakes, but are all dirty girls who want to be punished and dominated. I cannot go back to my idealistic teenage self, of course. But am I truly a cad in my heart? Is this persona an ideal I can actually build and become?

Or is my true nature that of a little boy, who simply wants to be at ease with his girl in a life of comfort and mediocrity?

casablanca casablanca1

After this though, I’ll simply fuck 10 more girls to get over her and consider what to do then.

My awakening

When I was a child, I remember my mother telling me that reading and writing and math will become “real” when I finally attend school. That things that happen before enrollment were not “real life” and that big changes were going to occur. I believed my mother, and cringed at the stress that awaited me at school, only to be hopelessly disappointed.

In primary school I remember the same speech, from a different authority figure. “Be prepared for the intermediate grades, the teachers won’t coddle you like us, that’s when the real academia starts”. Again, full of fear, I awaited the horror that 4th grade and beyond held for me (not to mention we weren’t allowed to play on the treehouse anymore, since it was on the “little kids” side). Of course, I learned 4th grade was just as meaningless and silly as 3rd grade, and all the grades before.

In 7th grade, teachers were very, very adamant about high school. “You won’t understand it until you see it!” they cry. “High school is where life actually starts, everything before this was just preparation for it.” Skeptical in my adolescence, I pondered whether or not high school really would be that intense. But it being more than 5x the size and attendance to my old school, fear took over and I once again trusted my elders. This time, it had to be real.

Arriving in high school, I learned that classes are exactly the same. Homework was completed in a matter of minutes (if I ever bothered) and class was mundane and rarely interesting or helpful. Late high school, and examinations start! “Beware!” the teachers stressed, “post-secondary is when life matters, and responsibility is thrown upon you!”. The adults all work in cohesion now, spitting out the same story that university makes or breaks your entire future, life, career, success, and your identity. “Without going to university, you will be a failure in life and certainly cement your likelihood at becoming homeless” (Yes, the exact words of a concerned adult). Being lied to my entire life, I finally clue in. It will be exactly like high school.

This is where most ‘regular’ people will disagree, but unless you are in a STEM field it’s a fallacy. Post-secondary is based upon your level of effort, and not your intelligence. Those who work hard will do better than those who are smart. I have never attended university (been to several lectures) but the coursework is actually easier than it is at colleges who attempt to transfer there.

This led me to an epiphany. We have barely progressed beyond our responsibility of what we had in kindergarten. If you still live at home, or have your parents pay for anything (yes I mean anything), you are not grown up, you are not mature, and you are not responsible. You are riding out an extended adolescence that our generation has been forced into.

At times I wish there were a great war, or a depression, or some kind of test that our generation would face so we could objectively look at ourselves in the mirror and know what real pain is, what we would actually die for. I think back to my life and the most traumatic experiences so far has come from a couple instances of heartbreak, a stab wound from being a foolish youth, and a couple physical encounters with drug addicts. I would not call any of these things character building or accomplishments.

When you take a step back and realize that somebody is profiting off of every lie you have been fed to fit into this system. A girl just wants to be friends? She wants you to wife her up when she’s 33 and unwanted. Professor tells you to stay in school for that Psychology degree? He needs a job. Government wants you take out loans and get an ‘education’ for 5 years and 50,000? I wonder who profits.

You need to do what is best for you, not for your friends, girlfriend, neighbours or professors. Anytime someone speaks a truism to you, you need to think ‘Who does this benefit and why?”. Put yourself first, then you can help others.

As a man without strength, you have no value and no business helping others. Build it, and then they will come.