One step forward, two steps back

I’ve always been bad at breaking up with girls.

Whether I’ve loved them, liked them or couldn’t care about them.

Whether I thought we were destined to break up, date for a while, or get married.

It never mattered because I would habitually break up with them, have a few weeks of “freedom” and miss them and then convince her to take me back.

Some girls let me do this once to them, most girls let it happen several times, one even let it happen 15 times. But the story was always the same.

I get bored, or horny and I break up. I meet/date/fuck a new girl. New girl and I mess around for 2-3 weeks. I miss the ex, drop new girl and get back together with ex.

I had it down to a system. I could write an e-book about this shit and sell it. I wasn’t self aware of my emotional manipulation, of how I was always getting these girls back, but it did follow a timeline/blueprint of sorts.

But I never understood why I always broke up and got back together. What were the reasons behind my actions?

Maybe it was comfort, maybe it was enjoying the status quo, maybe it was me not wanting to go back into the dating world with a wounded ego.

None of this made sense though. I would have trouble breaking up with girls even if I had several others on the go. It wasn’t scarcity or a lack of options. It wasn’t fear of jumping back into the dating scene.

But even when I knew I would never date a girl long-term, or even monogamously I still kept her around in the worst kind of way. Having her hang on to scraps of my affection, trying to win my heart over, putting in 100% effort while I put in 20%.

I probably stumbled onto some sort of good “Relationship Game” and how relationships are supposed to be, but I was never happy feeling relative apathy towards my girls.

Yet I’ve been on the other side, the “Beta” bitch side where my girl is my world and I am madly in love with no masculine edge or leadership, and I’ve been burned by that before too. I’m no bitch and I know the man should lead the relationship and fulfill the masculine role. Both sexes are happiest this way. But why do I have this habit? Why do I stay with girls long after I’ve checked out mentally. Like an athlete that can’t retire after his star has burned out, struggling against Father Time as he wastes away. Think Kobe firing up 100 shots while limping to the finish line, dragging the Lakers win total into the mud with it.

To give an example, I met a girl 18 months ago at a party. This cute, shy, sensitive Chinese girl, 19 years old. My buddy calls them “Googly eyed Asians” and basically, any asian girl with big, expressive eyes + a cute face is my kryptonite.

googly-eyed-asian
“googly eyed Asian, close to a 10 for me”
She knew me in the sports community and I had social status from playing on the university/club teams, as well as coaching high school programs. We danced a bit that night, I took her out a couple of times and popped her cherry.

She and I dated for a few months while she knew I was seeing others. I was the only one she was seeing. This girl was a virgin and taught me the meaning that there is no such thing as a ‘good girl’ (halfway through our first bang I started to hold her down + choke her, and she looked at me and said slap me). Eventually I grew bored of her. I wish I could phrase this any other way but I lost the spark and I dropped her over text. A selfish, immature play and she’s quite sensitive so it made it that much worse.

Fast forward a year to this past August and I see her at a party in the summer, for a sport tournament. I was wasted, she was buzzed. I was also in a relatively lean place with girls, coming back from traveling only having a single girl in my rotation. I ran the same script I always do when it comes to girls who I’ve burned and how to win back their hearts.

I rev up the emotions, tell her I miss her without being needy. With this girl I know she has low self esteem so I turn up the sappy emotions, turn down the asshole. You always know internally whether a girl sees you as a legit bad boy, or a nice guy with edge. There’s a big difference.

So I chatted with her for a bit, learned she had a boyfriend, revved up her emotions and then proceeded to run around the party for a bit. Met with her later and spent a couple hours with her, she was guarded + resistant as hell. I managed to smooth it over and within two dates we are fucking again.

At the time, both at the party and while going on dates with her (before fucking) I genuinely believed that there’s a <0% that we end up together. I’m not intentionally playing her along just to fuck, I would never do that.

However the same script happened again. I alpha widowed her a year ago, we start fucking on the side and within a month I am bored of her. She’s heart broken, hasn’t broken up with her boy, because she wants to be with me. I have mistreated her, unintentionally, and yet it’s the same story every time.

I ask myself the same questions.

Is this scarcity mindset?

Am I a terrible person?

Why do I always do this?

Maybe I am close to a breakthrough of “The Red Pill” in seeing women’s duplicity and actions for what they are. I get glimpses of the Matrix through the actions of girls who are head over heels in love with me.

I go through a cycle with every girl I date. Most girls stick around in a mini relationship with me for 4-8 months. There are 2 basic types: the party girls + the good girls.

The party girls I meet at a club, Tinder, or music events. We party + drink together + fuck a lot. She usually has more experience than I with drinking + drugs, or its equal. After 6-8 months they want commitment, I would never “wife up a hoodrat”. Even if I like a girl, The Red Pill taught me that you should never commit to a party girl, a girl with a high notch count, my ego and pride would never allow it, no matter how much fun I really do have with them.

So after dropping a party girl, I swing back to meeting “good girls”. I meet them through day game, mutual friends, cafes + sport communities. With good girls I take the lead, take them out to ‘proper’ dates, rarely take drugs + alcohol with them, or if I do it’s ME who is the expert, not HER. I show her new exciting experiences, she falls in love with me cause I’m a “good guy” but I’m not boring like the rest. I play poker for a living, I travel, I do drugs. Within 3-4 months (faster than the party girls) she wants commitment, and I try it. I really do try. But within 2 months of committing I’m bored and I want to party, I want to do drugs, I want the bad, slutty girls who I would never wife up. So the good girl gets left behind.

With a broken heart.

For months.

Until I see her at the next party.

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The opposite of love

The opposite of love, is hate right?

Women are emotional creatures. While men speak of honor and how their words bond men together, never do women offer the same.

Men are bound by their words, a promise is worth its weight in gold from an honorable man. A man who spoke yesterday, is still responsible for his words today. The order of freemasons, samurai and knights were all-male institutions which uphold a code of ethics, something greater than any one member. Never has such a thing existed with only females.

Women are emotional. Their words and actions are all dictated by ebbs and flows. She may have said “I love you” yesterday, but she may not mean it today. It’s transient to a women, everything they do is operated by ‘how they feel, in the moment’. Feelings can change at a moment’s notice, which is why mood swings and volatile women are significantly more common then men. Men are not often moody, if they are it’s seen as a personality trait, not a mood swing “He’s always like this, he’s just an asshole, you don’t know him like I do”

When you are out with a woman, it is necessary to invoke emotions. Without invoking emotions, you are lost. This is why nice guys who don’t act on their sexuality and their intentions with a girl, end up losing. They take a girl out to dinner, they watch a movie, and they talk. It is a brutality.

Women crave leadership, they crave spontaneity, and they crave excitement. You take her for a coffee or a movie and you are doing what every other guy out there is already doing. She will be bored, it will be regular and normal, and you will fall into the routine of being a friend, not a potential mate (fuck).

You need to create an emotional ride for her, it does not even need to be positive. If you create anger and frustration it’s still much better than boredom or routine. A woman does not need to like you to sleep with you, attraction is not a choice.

This is why when you break up with a girl and cause incredible heartbreak, it is always possible to get her back. You invoked powerful emotions in her, and the switch from negative to positive is much easier than weak to strong.

However, if a girl breaks up with you, there is very little you can do to get her back. If it got to the point where she had to make the decision, she took control of the situation, and executed(all masculine traits) then you are lost. At that point, she has no emotions towards you, and it is not worth the uphill battle to fight.

We have all dealt with rejection and the friends ladder, and we’ve all had passionate fights with our girlfriends and lovers. Make up sex is far more frequent than getting an old friend to fall for you.

The opposite of love was never hate.

It’s apathy.

Authenticity and the 3 Koreans

Over the past month I had gone out on a first date with 3 different korean girls and they all followed relatively the same pattern. The first two Erika and Jiyoun I met during daygame, the third Julia I met on a night out and stopped her and her friend on the street.

The 3 dates followed the same general formula. I picked them up, took them to a quiet cafe/bar, talked and flirted and got to know them. I then bounced them to another location, either my house or a lookout and attempted to drink more with them, and generally met resistance. I try to escalate and get rebuffed, and it felt like I was forcing the whole thing.

I think I may have forced it because I have in my head this ‘roadmap’ that we are supposed to follow to have success. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable doing it, but it doesn’t feel authentic. I think the girls can feel the incongruity with me forcing the issue trying to fuck them, rather than simply enjoying our time and moving things forward. This may be caused by my self image of wanting to be a player.

How each one ended up is with a makeout in my car and 2 girls falling off the map (Jiyoun and Julia). Erika met up with me after some prying. She mentioned  after our first date ‘She did not have fun, does not want to meet again, and did not think I was a nice person’. She was the one I fucked in my car because I got her horny as hell after SO much LMR. After pushing through her resistance I got her out and on this next date I was relaxed and authentic because we had already fucked, so what did I have to lose?

Each girl was intrigued by my ‘danger’ vibe and personality, but I never allowed the soft affectionate side come out until I was on the 2nd date with Erika. I think this is why the other 2 fell off the map.

A similar thing was true with my ex. She knew my confidence was rock solid, but she also felt my affectionate, emotional side because of I opened up to her about a lot of things. Since being more relaxed on my dates with Erika, she has fallen hard for me and I can see it in her eyes when we fuck.

I think I have hit an evolution in my ‘game’ after the break up and these 3 koreans which have helped me realize that the ‘script’ has its uses, but after you get comfortable with yourself and how to connect with girls you can discard it. Like training wheels on a bicycle, I can now stop worrying about the nitty gritty and trust my instinct and experience and move things forward. My authentic self is cocky and edgy enough that I am not worried about too much ‘soft/vulnerable’ side driving girls away.

I mean shit, I am looking to get tattoos, I play poker for a living and I have a degenerate streak from my past (I even dealt drugs for a short time before poker). Why would I be worried about being too boring for a girl?

I feel relaxed and confident with this new assessment. Maybe the break up does have some positives if I keep these lessons with me. My sleep is still haunted a couple times a week, but having a young sexy girl enamoured with me takes the edge off. I find her a touch boring though, but this may be me comparing week 2 vs 10 months with Jennie. Only time will tell, she is already trying to push the boyfriend route on. Good luck with that babygirl.