Life on the Line

As I was talking to my good friend and poker coach today because he had gotten a gift for me so I went over to hang out with him and another friend of mine who is also a poker grinder.

We started breaking down hands, lets call my coach Jay, and my friend Icy.

Jay is testing me on hypothetical hands that Icy played in Omaha last couple of sessions and I seemed to score pretty well on all of them, where Icy made several sizing mistakes throughout the hand. We joked a bit about how I’m so good in the “classroom” but how I can’t translate that success to the table.

I wish dearly I were a stoic individual, however I am quite the opposite. I am based 100% in my own “state” whether I am daygaming or playing poker. A terrible quality for both these ventures.

If I am playing well, or it’s a big tournament I give my absolute A game and I feel great.

When I am playing bad, the world is ending and I’m a total failure.

I had worked through these parts of my game in poker (it doesn’t affect me so much in game) but this downswing has caused me to lose 100% of everything I own. About 20k in 8 weeks. Yet I still have no sense or urgency that the world is ending…

When it kinda has.

So my friend asked me “How would you play, if your life was on the line?”

Well of course I would be super patient and disciplined. I can’t lose my life right!

It struck me like a hammer. This entire time I have been letting others influence me. I have kept my ego at the table, letting other’s judge me and changing myself for it.

I would berate players for being so tight and worse players paying them off. But if they make money, why would they change? I need to stop caring about ego and other’s perceptions. Check my ego at the door.

All that matters is you win.

All this time I have been impatient, in a place of scarcity, looking at how much I’ve lost, how close I came to getting out of debt and living free on my own terms.

That’s all wrong. This lack of discipline is what caused the downswing. I am in control of my destiny. I can play well, I can put in more hours. I CAN WIN. I WILL succeed. I have no choice.

Why?

My life is on the line.

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Why I play Poker

So in the past 6 months I’ve learned a new game. Instead of playing Texas Hold em, which is what you see on TV, I am now playing Omaha for a living. I started out really hot and fell in love with the game. I saw the potential for making real money, and for once in my life started to believe that maybe I could get out of this prison of mediocrity.

I’ve been poor my whole life. My family was poor, we were never broke but lower middle class. I went to school with mostly asian kids who had nuclear families and both parents working professionals who owned a house, I never had the same vacations they had. Then I followed the naive advice that was given to my generation, to go school get a degree, except I didn’t scholarships, nor parents paying for my education. I racked up student loan debt in a directionless career. I never graduated, because I didn’t love any subject and didn’t have the money to continue. I dealt drugs for a bit and fell into poker through friends of friends at 25.

poker_face_by_zeromayhem

I started making a living wage early on, maybe $15/hour for the first 6 months tax free, eventually going up to about $20/hour. I got screwed by a “friend” for a huge debt, but saved enough for to travel for a couple of months. Falling into omaha 6 months ago, I saw potential for real money where I could maybe make 6 figures in a year.

This got me excited, because for once in my life I thought maybe I could escape this hell of mediocrity. Yet, in the last 3 months I have hit a downswing. I am not playing well and my confidence is low, so I am writing this to remind myself to be grateful for what I have.

I don’t have a job

I am not making money for anyone else. I don’t get taxed. I can choose my own hours, and I can sleep in when I want.

I’m paid based on performance

I get what I put in (eventually). Maybe I don’t win today, but the more I work, the more I will get out.

I love the game

I really do. I enjoy sitting there, competing against other players, trying to take their money. I couldn’t imagine working customer service or doing some inane thing over the computer. It’s fun to gamble, it’s fun to compete.

It’s never boring

The game is sick, the people are degenerate. It’s never boring. It’s not the same coworkers sharing their same stories every day. I meet new people every day and also sick degenerates who have interesting stories. I get to play against multi millionaires on a tuesday morning. Who else gets to do that?

I can travel when I want

If I wanted to go live in London tomorrow for 2 months and play poker, I could. I don’t need time off, I don’t need permission. There’s a lot of freedom.

Poker is a vehicle I am using to make money for now. I love the game and it gives me all kinds of freedom. I am grateful for my life and this game. It’s given me a lot and taught me so much about myself. I have the potential to make real money this year and I don’t know where I would be without it.

It’s been a tough downswing and my confidence is shaken. I had to write this post in an attempt to stay positive.

Fuck though, life’s not so bad. I took  daygame bootcamp with Yad, no success yet but I’m getting laid off some mediocre girls at least. I am going to the gym and getting some size. I’m a young good looking dude in a 1st world country who has no boss and the freedom to do what I want. Life’s not so bad after. Keep your chin up.

The universe provides

 

1st day out after bootcamp

I took a bootcamp with Yad learning the London Daygame Model a month ago, and it was a good success and I will write a post about it soon. I went out last week with a friend and it was an absolute disaster, I didn’t approach any girls and the vibe was all off. I think this was because I wanted to ‘show’ him the skills I learned on the bootcamp, but I won’t be gaming with this good friend for a while until I know it’s changed.

I met up with a guy who I met through mutual friends who has solid game. We get along quite well, he has a great mindset, masculine job, and followed the classic zero to hero when he found PUA and the London Daygame model. We had a great vibe and he pushed me to approach my first set which got me going. It’s great too because he loves feminine latina’s + eastern europeans (most do) but I’ve got the worst case of feels for asian girls, so we rarely see the same target.

Onto the approaches.

#1 – Miya – asian girl with fur coat, mid 20s professional. Very fashionable.

I had a strong stop and she hooked easily. She gave me space to spit my game and I teased her a little bit. My stacking and assumption game is weak, Yad mentioned I don’t get into ‘enticing’ (sexual/exciting) conversation enough. Got her # and this boosted my state. No reply yet since the next day

#2 Erika – asian girl in yoga pants, typical western girl early 20s

Strong stop again but didn’t get her to hook. Maybe energy was too high but I managed to get her to stay in set for maybe 2 minutes, but she clearly wasn’t interested. She was sick as a dog and looked like shit (still pretty) but maybe she felt it was disingenuous because she looked like hell. No number didn’t get there.

#3 Mika – Fob girl from Shanghai, studying english mid 20s

I went inside a mall to go to the washroom and after I came out this delicate little girl had a shopping bag and I opened her on the escalator. I assumed familiarity well and poked at her bag and said “ooo sexy lingerie for your boyfriend? show me!”. She was shy and delicate, said she was waiting for her friends and I teased her about them being imaginary. Bantered for a few minutes, moved her to the side away from foot traffic and lots of touching + teasing. Interaction was maybe 3-4 minutes and got a #. She replied within an hour.

#4 Chinese girl dressed from Paris

I yad stopped her on an open street, she was basically in a sprint. Thought I gave enough space but she couldn’t comprehend someone would stop her on the street. She looked behind her as if I couldn’t be talking to a stranger.

#5 Anny – early 20s born + raised here

This girl is my ideal type. She got the long wavy hair, big googly eyes as an asian, thin body. I call these girls bad ass bitches because they usually attached to some jacked gangster dude who is tatted up. Krauser calls this my DNA tug I think. I swooned hard and in my positive state I knew I had to go approach.

I tried to stop her at first, and she said hi and kept walking. This dude behind me looked at me and wasn’t what I was doing. With zero hesitation I went to stop her again. Hard yad stop and I said “I’m too stubborn for this, you’re gonna give me a shot” and she hooked. I had moments of hesitation where I couldn’t keep the banter up, as usual my stacking needs work. I am pretty good at natural touching + teasing, however I still need to amp it up more.

I put her on the spot a few times. “You’re just a local, that’s a bit boring” “Where have you traveled before?”

She was quick as a whip, I asked her where she traveled and she said “Oh, I’ve only been to Hawaii, haven’t traveled much”. Then she quickly reframed “Have YOU been to Hawaii?”

Haha, cute as fuck. Got a number but wish I pushed for an Idate. She is texting back often. My state skyrocketed after this.

#6 docile esl japanese girl

Approached her as she was leaning on a shopping window. She had zero skills and I couldn’t get her to stick, this was mostly hopeless.

#7 Jessica the model

This girl had the googly eyes and my wing pushed me to approach her. I wasn’t really that into her but upon approaching she was actually stunning.

This was a good example of a girl who looks really unhappy and having a resting bitch face. Upon opening her though she was absolutely sweet. She had nothing to do for the whole day. I bounced her to an idate for 20 minutes. She was very compliant and I flirted and teased her a little bit. Again, the same interview questions came up though and while it was fun I’m not sure I polarized myself enough.

She had good eye contact, confident girl It’s interesting that model girls I’ve met through day don’t seem to proud of the fact they are a model. It’s probably because they’d rather be known for their qualities other than their beauty.

Bounced her to instant date pretty quickly grabbed a coffee and chatted for 20 minutes. Worried I did interview game again but thought it went well she was asking questions and engaged. So far, no text back in 2 days, will ping her tomorrow.

# 8 Ayako – Japanese girl street intersection late 20s

This was on my walk back to meet my friend after the instant date. She was spacing out hard in a busy intersection. I asked her “omg are you alright? You look like your dog just died”. She wasn’t that cute but not bad. My state carried it the whole way, closed her # quickly and met my friend. I chose not to text her

#9 Jenn – Teenager/early 20s student in busy mall, chinese.

Approached her as she was looking at the map for directions. She was quite confident and articulate for a girl so small. Had the presence of a lion. We spoke about weird things, she was certainly quirky (and not in that obnoxious hipster trashy way). Had a run in with a white knight, still managed to # close. She texted back quickly.

9 Approaches, 6 numbers and an instant date. Anny and Jessica are true beauties and I really hope to see them again. Jenn + Mika are quite cute and I’d enjoy seeing them again.

Strengths

When my state is on, I am unstoppable.
Bundle of energy, and I stay on course if I don’t get the initial hook.
Strong yad stops.
I do well with kino + natural touching.

Weaknesses

Still let a few approaches get away, but less than the bootcamp.
Fall into interview mode too often, need to banter more.
Weak text game
Still very reliant on state/outcome dependent

Happy with the results so far. This will give about 50 approaches under the London Daygame Model. I’ve had good success with ‘basic’ guy game where I let my instincts take over, be vulnerable with my attraction + intention but I will give this model at least 2-300 approaches before I write it off. It’s gotten me dates and numbers of girls I’m really into it.

Viva Daygame!

Man’s Prison

“Men are not prisoners of fate, but of their own mind” – Franklin Roosevelt

I just came back from the bank where I deposited some cash from the tables. I often have to go talk to tellers because I’m less likely to get flagged when moving money. The bank and the government think I am unemployed and living at home so it gets shady sometimes.

The teller today was an old acquaintance I met through an ex girlfriend years ago. I saw him last March before I headed to South East Asia for the first time and he is working the same job, now recently single, and living at home. This cat is 25 years old and would have an “above average” stable job working at the bank with “decent money”.

He’s a good man, and we got along. Even now, with no spark of life in his eyes, he was genuinely happy for me and my travels. He even admitted “I don’t have the balls to do it, I like the stability”. I wanted to weep. He hasn’t even been considered for a promotion.

Why?

The automation is coming. Bank’s don’t need tellers anymore, even though he speaks 3 languages and has a degree. This isn’t a guy getting phased out at fucking Mcdonald’s. He speaks 3 languages and has a undergrad in business.

And he’s getting phased out.

You’re a young man born in the first world! We literally have the entire world at our feet. Even if you go broke at 25, even 30. Who gives a shit? You have friends, family, there’s a couch out there SOMEWHERE if you went busto. Then you can come back to the same hell you live in now, a 9-5 job with no time, no money, no potential and no freedom.

I was in a funk coming back from London + Spain. I was focusing on all the wrong things. I broke up with a girl, I couldn’t hang out with Riv much in Madrid, I didn’t get laid in Spain.

This interaction brought me back to the reality. The reality of most men in this world. Shit job, shit money, no girl, no freedom. The “lucky ones?”. Decent job, decent money, one meh girl, and NO FREEDOM.

What do I have in comparison to that?

Seemingly everything.

I work for myself and no other. I play poker for a living. I have a great roommate and a few great friends. I have friends all over the world from this desolate blog in a corner of a corner of the internet. I traveled to 3 continents and 4 countries this year. I have my health. I’ve fucked more girls than 10 men combined. I answer to no one.

And I barely worked for this!

I’m not saying I was lazy, I had some things that helped me along the way. I had a poker coach, but I worked for hours on my game. I approached the girls, I hit the gym, I took the risks. Honestly, my effort wasn’t that great, it’s just the average guy must not do anything!

When I compare myself to the real hustlers, I’m so far behind. Guys like Krauser and Tom travel the world and fuck girls. Guys like Kyle + James left their 6 figures office jobs to have the freedom to do what they want, with their own business.

My man Riv, 6 years from a divorce, 2000 approaches later decided to move to a foreign country. In his 40’s he now two banging girlfriends, 21 and 24 years old!

When I look at them, I want to be like them. I want to do the work and create the same lifestyle they do. My heart swells with optimism about the future.

When I look back at my old life, the same dead eyes I once had, I now stare into.

It’s as if I am an escaped convict, bringing news of the outside world and it’s possibilities to the inmates I left behind. They look at me and yearn for the life I have.

When we were all locked up together, in that old prison the guards threw us in and slammed the cell shut. But the guards have all left, the prison long abandoned.

Except for the prisoners, chained by their disbelief in their cells.

They just never tried the door.

One step forward, two steps back

I’ve always been bad at breaking up with girls.

Whether I’ve loved them, liked them or couldn’t care about them.

Whether I thought we were destined to break up, date for a while, or get married.

It never mattered because I would habitually break up with them, have a few weeks of “freedom” and miss them and then convince her to take me back.

Some girls let me do this once to them, most girls let it happen several times, one even let it happen 15 times. But the story was always the same.

I get bored, or horny and I break up. I meet/date/fuck a new girl. New girl and I mess around for 2-3 weeks. I miss the ex, drop new girl and get back together with ex.

I had it down to a system. I could write an e-book about this shit and sell it. I wasn’t self aware of my emotional manipulation, of how I was always getting these girls back, but it did follow a timeline/blueprint of sorts.

But I never understood why I always broke up and got back together. What were the reasons behind my actions?

Maybe it was comfort, maybe it was enjoying the status quo, maybe it was me not wanting to go back into the dating world with a wounded ego.

None of this made sense though. I would have trouble breaking up with girls even if I had several others on the go. It wasn’t scarcity or a lack of options. It wasn’t fear of jumping back into the dating scene.

But even when I knew I would never date a girl long-term, or even monogamously I still kept her around in the worst kind of way. Having her hang on to scraps of my affection, trying to win my heart over, putting in 100% effort while I put in 20%.

I probably stumbled onto some sort of good “Relationship Game” and how relationships are supposed to be, but I was never happy feeling relative apathy towards my girls.

Yet I’ve been on the other side, the “Beta” bitch side where my girl is my world and I am madly in love with no masculine edge or leadership, and I’ve been burned by that before too. I’m no bitch and I know the man should lead the relationship and fulfill the masculine role. Both sexes are happiest this way. But why do I have this habit? Why do I stay with girls long after I’ve checked out mentally. Like an athlete that can’t retire after his star has burned out, struggling against Father Time as he wastes away. Think Kobe firing up 100 shots while limping to the finish line, dragging the Lakers win total into the mud with it.

To give an example, I met a girl 18 months ago at a party. This cute, shy, sensitive Chinese girl, 19 years old. My buddy calls them “Googly eyed Asians” and basically, any asian girl with big, expressive eyes + a cute face is my kryptonite.

googly-eyed-asian
“googly eyed Asian, close to a 10 for me”
She knew me in the sports community and I had social status from playing on the university/club teams, as well as coaching high school programs. We danced a bit that night, I took her out a couple of times and popped her cherry.

She and I dated for a few months while she knew I was seeing others. I was the only one she was seeing. This girl was a virgin and taught me the meaning that there is no such thing as a ‘good girl’ (halfway through our first bang I started to hold her down + choke her, and she looked at me and said slap me). Eventually I grew bored of her. I wish I could phrase this any other way but I lost the spark and I dropped her over text. A selfish, immature play and she’s quite sensitive so it made it that much worse.

Fast forward a year to this past August and I see her at a party in the summer, for a sport tournament. I was wasted, she was buzzed. I was also in a relatively lean place with girls, coming back from traveling only having a single girl in my rotation. I ran the same script I always do when it comes to girls who I’ve burned and how to win back their hearts.

I rev up the emotions, tell her I miss her without being needy. With this girl I know she has low self esteem so I turn up the sappy emotions, turn down the asshole. You always know internally whether a girl sees you as a legit bad boy, or a nice guy with edge. There’s a big difference.

So I chatted with her for a bit, learned she had a boyfriend, revved up her emotions and then proceeded to run around the party for a bit. Met with her later and spent a couple hours with her, she was guarded + resistant as hell. I managed to smooth it over and within two dates we are fucking again.

At the time, both at the party and while going on dates with her (before fucking) I genuinely believed that there’s a <0% that we end up together. I’m not intentionally playing her along just to fuck, I would never do that.

However the same script happened again. I alpha widowed her a year ago, we start fucking on the side and within a month I am bored of her. She’s heart broken, hasn’t broken up with her boy, because she wants to be with me. I have mistreated her, unintentionally, and yet it’s the same story every time.

I ask myself the same questions.

Is this scarcity mindset?

Am I a terrible person?

Why do I always do this?

Maybe I am close to a breakthrough of “The Red Pill” in seeing women’s duplicity and actions for what they are. I get glimpses of the Matrix through the actions of girls who are head over heels in love with me.

I go through a cycle with every girl I date. Most girls stick around in a mini relationship with me for 4-8 months. There are 2 basic types: the party girls + the good girls.

The party girls I meet at a club, Tinder, or music events. We party + drink together + fuck a lot. She usually has more experience than I with drinking + drugs, or its equal. After 6-8 months they want commitment, I would never “wife up a hoodrat”. Even if I like a girl, The Red Pill taught me that you should never commit to a party girl, a girl with a high notch count, my ego and pride would never allow it, no matter how much fun I really do have with them.

So after dropping a party girl, I swing back to meeting “good girls”. I meet them through day game, mutual friends, cafes + sport communities. With good girls I take the lead, take them out to ‘proper’ dates, rarely take drugs + alcohol with them, or if I do it’s ME who is the expert, not HER. I show her new exciting experiences, she falls in love with me cause I’m a “good guy” but I’m not boring like the rest. I play poker for a living, I travel, I do drugs. Within 3-4 months (faster than the party girls) she wants commitment, and I try it. I really do try. But within 2 months of committing I’m bored and I want to party, I want to do drugs, I want the bad, slutty girls who I would never wife up. So the good girl gets left behind.

With a broken heart.

For months.

Until I see her at the next party.

We are what we repeatedly do

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit” – Aristotle

It’s been a long while since I’ve updated. I have been struggling with consistency on extra activity outside poker and gym/diet. I haven’t been approaching, I have barely been going out. After my break up with Jennie, the last girl I had more than affection for, I broke up poorly with Erika the Korean. Since then I’ve gone out a couple of times, gotten drunk/high and been with only mediocre girls.

The first girl I’ve been seeing regularly is a 19 year old Chinese Canadian party girl with all of the red flags you can imagine. Took a gap year to travel, multiple partners at a time, lives on campus at a major university, parents not involved. I met her at a club drunk as hell and took her home first night no questions asked. Her body is tight, but her face is meh. I don’t love spending time with her but it serves my ego to know my fuck game is right to have a hood rat coming back for more.

The second is my first Russian girl. She’s a 27 year old professional, very few partners, very traditional. She was married young and had a sexless marriage while the pair built a business, moved here and divorced and is now working full-time. I am bored by her presence but it is refreshing her feminine energy. She cooks for me, feeds me while we watch movies or I play online. Whenever I am with her she never touches her phone, always entirely present when we are together. The exact opposite of a girl born here. She is long and lithe, however it’s becoming clear to me how addicted I am to Asian girls. This girl is sexy by all accounts, I’ve shown her pic to friends and they all approve, but I have no sex drive around her. It’s kind of incredible.

Contrast that to the Korean Erika who was also feminine, present + cared for me, and the fact that I was like a dog in heat around her 3-4x a day in a 8 hour period. Gives me a bit of a shot in the gut because I was content, just bored.

So I have hit a bit of a lonely road complex. I go to the gym and casino, don’t spend a lot of time with friends and if I do go out I’m rarely sober. Garbage in, garbage out. The more I see mediocre girls the more my subconscious believes this is what I deserve. This creates a feedback cycle where I don’t approach girls I am actually excited about. I keep using the excuse that I am leaving soon, I have a one-way ticket to Vietnam in early April.

Consistency is the key to all this. If I get a good sleep, stay sober and aggressive in my pursuit of girls I really like, while also making myself better every day good things will happen.

At the moment it’s almost like I do not want to succeed. I stay up late working on my poker game watching videos, playing online, even when I know I am going out the next day. So then the weekend comes, I am exhausted and I use stimulants and other things to stay energetic and I simply smash mediocre girls where I feel entitled to their affection.

The benefit to this is I know how to act like a king around women. I do this subconsciously with mediocre girls but having this intention with all women, especially hot girls, will exponentially increase my success.

The feedback cycle is something we are all familiar with.

Shy guy sees cute girl on the transit. He thinks about what it would be like to talk to her. He never approaches. She gets off the bus and he wonders what if. His thoughts “I am a shy guy, it’s weird to approach strangers and talk to a cute girl” become his actions (not approaching the cute girl) which manifests the results (no approach, no interaction).

Compare that to a guy who thinks positive. He sees a cute girl and thinks “Why not? It cannot hurt, I am a cool guy who goes after what he wants”. He approaches girl. The result does not even matter in this particular case because his attitude creates a positive feedback loop either way. If he gets a number/date or even just a pleasant conversation his mind reinforces the belief that he is a social guy and attractive. Even if she is unpleasant the belief is “What a poor girl, I hope her day turns out better”. He knows there is nothing wrong with him, because of his thoughts.

I know what I have to start doing (we all do). The hard part is actually doing it.

The opposite of love

The opposite of love, is hate right?

Women are emotional creatures. While men speak of honor and how their words bond men together, never do women offer the same.

Men are bound by their words, a promise is worth its weight in gold from an honorable man. A man who spoke yesterday, is still responsible for his words today. The order of freemasons, samurai and knights were all-male institutions which uphold a code of ethics, something greater than any one member. Never has such a thing existed with only females.

Women are emotional. Their words and actions are all dictated by ebbs and flows. She may have said “I love you” yesterday, but she may not mean it today. It’s transient to a women, everything they do is operated by ‘how they feel, in the moment’. Feelings can change at a moment’s notice, which is why mood swings and volatile women are significantly more common then men. Men are not often moody, if they are it’s seen as a personality trait, not a mood swing “He’s always like this, he’s just an asshole, you don’t know him like I do”

When you are out with a woman, it is necessary to invoke emotions. Without invoking emotions, you are lost. This is why nice guys who don’t act on their sexuality and their intentions with a girl, end up losing. They take a girl out to dinner, they watch a movie, and they talk. It is a brutality.

Women crave leadership, they crave spontaneity, and they crave excitement. You take her for a coffee or a movie and you are doing what every other guy out there is already doing. She will be bored, it will be regular and normal, and you will fall into the routine of being a friend, not a potential mate (fuck).

You need to create an emotional ride for her, it does not even need to be positive. If you create anger and frustration it’s still much better than boredom or routine. A woman does not need to like you to sleep with you, attraction is not a choice.

This is why when you break up with a girl and cause incredible heartbreak, it is always possible to get her back. You invoked powerful emotions in her, and the switch from negative to positive is much easier than weak to strong.

However, if a girl breaks up with you, there is very little you can do to get her back. If it got to the point where she had to make the decision, she took control of the situation, and executed(all masculine traits) then you are lost. At that point, she has no emotions towards you, and it is not worth the uphill battle to fight.

We have all dealt with rejection and the friends ladder, and we’ve all had passionate fights with our girlfriends and lovers. Make up sex is far more frequent than getting an old friend to fall for you.

The opposite of love was never hate.

It’s apathy.