One step forward, two steps back

I’ve always been bad at breaking up with girls.

Whether I’ve loved them, liked them or couldn’t care about them.

Whether I thought we were destined to break up, date for a while, or get married.

It never mattered because I would habitually break up with them, have a few weeks of “freedom” and miss them and then convince her to take me back.

Some girls let me do this once to them, most girls let it happen several times, one even let it happen 15 times. But the story was always the same.

I get bored, or horny and I break up. I meet/date/fuck a new girl. New girl and I mess around for 2-3 weeks. I miss the ex, drop new girl and get back together with ex.

I had it down to a system. I could write an e-book about this shit and sell it. I wasn’t self aware of my emotional manipulation, of how I was always getting these girls back, but it did follow a timeline/blueprint of sorts.

But I never understood why I always broke up and got back together. What were the reasons behind my actions?

Maybe it was comfort, maybe it was enjoying the status quo, maybe it was me not wanting to go back into the dating world with a wounded ego.

None of this made sense though. I would have trouble breaking up with girls even if I had several others on the go. It wasn’t scarcity or a lack of options. It wasn’t fear of jumping back into the dating scene.

But even when I knew I would never date a girl long-term, or even monogamously I still kept her around in the worst kind of way. Having her hang on to scraps of my affection, trying to win my heart over, putting in 100% effort while I put in 20%.

I probably stumbled onto some sort of good “Relationship Game” and how relationships are supposed to be, but I was never happy feeling relative apathy towards my girls.

Yet I’ve been on the other side, the “Beta” bitch side where my girl is my world and I am madly in love with no masculine edge or leadership, and I’ve been burned by that before too. I’m no bitch and I know the man should lead the relationship and fulfill the masculine role. Both sexes are happiest this way. But why do I have this habit? Why do I stay with girls long after I’ve checked out mentally. Like an athlete that can’t retire after his star has burned out, struggling against Father Time as he wastes away. Think Kobe firing up 100 shots while limping to the finish line, dragging the Lakers win total into the mud with it.

To give an example, I met a girl 18 months ago at a party. This cute, shy, sensitive Chinese girl, 19 years old. My buddy calls them “Googly eyed Asians” and basically, any asian girl with big, expressive eyes + a cute face is my kryptonite.

googly-eyed-asian
“googly eyed Asian, close to a 10 for me”
She knew me in the sports community and I had social status from playing on the university/club teams, as well as coaching high school programs. We danced a bit that night, I took her out a couple of times and popped her cherry.

She and I dated for a few months while she knew I was seeing others. I was the only one she was seeing. This girl was a virgin and taught me the meaning that there is no such thing as a ‘good girl’ (halfway through our first bang I started to hold her down + choke her, and she looked at me and said slap me). Eventually I grew bored of her. I wish I could phrase this any other way but I lost the spark and I dropped her over text. A selfish, immature play and she’s quite sensitive so it made it that much worse.

Fast forward a year to this past August and I see her at a party in the summer, for a sport tournament. I was wasted, she was buzzed. I was also in a relatively lean place with girls, coming back from traveling only having a single girl in my rotation. I ran the same script I always do when it comes to girls who I’ve burned and how to win back their hearts.

I rev up the emotions, tell her I miss her without being needy. With this girl I know she has low self esteem so I turn up the sappy emotions, turn down the asshole. You always know internally whether a girl sees you as a legit bad boy, or a nice guy with edge. There’s a big difference.

So I chatted with her for a bit, learned she had a boyfriend, revved up her emotions and then proceeded to run around the party for a bit. Met with her later and spent a couple hours with her, she was guarded + resistant as hell. I managed to smooth it over and within two dates we are fucking again.

At the time, both at the party and while going on dates with her (before fucking) I genuinely believed that there’s a <0% that we end up together. I’m not intentionally playing her along just to fuck, I would never do that.

However the same script happened again. I alpha widowed her a year ago, we start fucking on the side and within a month I am bored of her. She’s heart broken, hasn’t broken up with her boy, because she wants to be with me. I have mistreated her, unintentionally, and yet it’s the same story every time.

I ask myself the same questions.

Is this scarcity mindset?

Am I a terrible person?

Why do I always do this?

Maybe I am close to a breakthrough of “The Red Pill” in seeing women’s duplicity and actions for what they are. I get glimpses of the Matrix through the actions of girls who are head over heels in love with me.

I go through a cycle with every girl I date. Most girls stick around in a mini relationship with me for 4-8 months. There are 2 basic types: the party girls + the good girls.

The party girls I meet at a club, Tinder, or music events. We party + drink together + fuck a lot. She usually has more experience than I with drinking + drugs, or its equal. After 6-8 months they want commitment, I would never “wife up a hoodrat”. Even if I like a girl, The Red Pill taught me that you should never commit to a party girl, a girl with a high notch count, my ego and pride would never allow it, no matter how much fun I really do have with them.

So after dropping a party girl, I swing back to meeting “good girls”. I meet them through day game, mutual friends, cafes + sport communities. With good girls I take the lead, take them out to ‘proper’ dates, rarely take drugs + alcohol with them, or if I do it’s ME who is the expert, not HER. I show her new exciting experiences, she falls in love with me cause I’m a “good guy” but I’m not boring like the rest. I play poker for a living, I travel, I do drugs. Within 3-4 months (faster than the party girls) she wants commitment, and I try it. I really do try. But within 2 months of committing I’m bored and I want to party, I want to do drugs, I want the bad, slutty girls who I would never wife up. So the good girl gets left behind.

With a broken heart.

For months.

Until I see her at the next party.

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7 thoughts on “One step forward, two steps back

  1. >> “Googly eyed Asians” and basically, any asian girl with big, expressive eyes + a cute face is my kryptonite.

    Ahhh… my type, exactly.

    >> Am I a terrible person?

    A friend of mine I call “Natural” and I, reasonably cool guys, always talk about the break up… we call it “loping off her head.”

    Neither of us enjoy that part, either. (I break up via email, if it’s causual… in person, if it is not… usually when she picks a fight). I get rejected a fair amount on the front end… but once they’re in, they hook, and I always do the breaking up… usually because they get demanding and I’m not interested in that from a girl.

    We also say that “even the torturer suffers.” This is about what it feels like “lopping off heads” all the time.

    We also talking about “ghosts” — girls we’ve broken up with that we see out an about.

    I don’t know that you’re a terrible person (maybe you are?!). I think the going back to a good place is not strange at all… monogamy makes it seem strange, but I eat at the same restaurants all the time… because I like the food there. Restaurants don’t require commitment… so I don’t have to “break up” just because I want to eat someplace else for a while.

    Cheers to you, man. Great writing here.

  2. Another concept related to you post…

    “Are you the heartbreaker type? Or the heartbroken?”

    I use that line in conversation with girls a lot. Good convo stuff, IMAO. In truth (past the first few dates), I am the heartbreaker type. Have been all my life. Sounds like you are too.

    This one time, though… right as I asked this girl that question, I could tell she was the heartbreaker type, and I was going to get worked. All before she had a chance to answer. Sure enough… I was spun for that girl.

    I’ve had my head lopped off a few times too.

  3. I’ve been the heart broken only twice. Even though it’s been 2 of my 4 ‘serious’ relationships that were monogamous. In all other instances I have been the heart breaker.

    It’s an interesting question for sure. I wonder if it goes to personality type or its because of SMV/perceived value. Every time I have been above the girl or bored is when I have been the heart breaker. When I get too attached and think the girl is special or at least special for me I fall for her and become the heart broken.

    I’ll start asking the girls the question.

    I like the restaurant analogy but I get too possessive and jealous with girls. Unless I know I own her soul (Krauser called it deep conversion) then I’d rather her not see other dudes. I’m not sure the reasons behind it but I may write a short psot, I don’t know if I could handle OLTR’s, my game may not be tight enough or my mindset not pure enough.

    I don’t think the torturer also suffers. I think women once they break it off with a guy have been considering it for a long time before it actually happens. So we as men, still suffer because we must get back out there and find some new girls ourselves. Where girls have already mentally detached from a guy days/weeks before breaking it off with him. Couple that with the amount of attention she receives on the daily I think girls are much quicker to find new partners/ get the validation that helps get over a break up.

    1. >> In all other instances I have been the heart breaker.

      This makes sense to me, based on your post. Me too.

      >> I wonder if it goes to personality type or its because of SMV/perceived value.

      That is a great question. I don’t know much about “attachment styles,” but that term is hot in the zeitgeist right now, and bet that would be an interesting lens on your question. I need to invest in that topic, but haven’t yet.

      >> I like the restaurant analogy but I get too possessive and jealous with girls. Unless I know I own her soul (Krauser called it deep conversion) then I’d rather her not see other dudes.

      Oh.. I like the restaurant analogy when it serves me… I’m definitely low/no tolerance for a girl I am into seeing other guys, and me being aware of it. No tolerance. I don’t say this to girls, but it’s true.

      In the early part of relationship, I assume she is seeing other guys, and I am definitely trying to see other girls. I have no trouble here. I am fine if she has a BF/husband, and I’m the interloper. But once it gets real… I would walk away from a girl if I had much evidence at all that she was seeing someone else.

      I’m not claiming there is anything fair about this. I’m not trying to be fair. I’m not trying to control her. But if she can’t do a good job of giving me the illusion that I’m “the guy” in her life… I will exit stage left.

      All of this fits the biological model perfectly… I can “impregnate” another’s girl, but I can’t be “cuckolded.” This is probably not at the logical level for me, it’s at the “lizard” level.

      And with that… 50% of the girls I date are in a relationship. Daygame. Over and over. My favorite lover right now won’t kiss me… that’s just for her BF… but she’ll fuck me.

      I’m fine being on this side of this equation. I would walk if I had proof, evidence or even “feelings” like I was on the other side.

      Ha… that’s where I’m at today.

      Cheers to you, man.

      1. Huh, I guess you have similar feelings too.

        I can’t explain it because I only have jealousy/protection issues with girls I care about. If she just a hoodrat, then i don’t give a fuck.

        Yeah man, the lizard shit is right. I would never want to be on the other side of this. I don’t think it’s happened yet but who knows. The other side, heh.

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