I messaged my ex, J tonight and ended up talking to her on the phone for an hour.
I have felt ‘off’ for over a month now. Riv’s post on sexual affection I thought had covered it, but the issue went deeper. We talked about our relationship and I ended up revealing that for the last 2-3 months I was considering what love is, and if I loved her. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I get caught up in the ‘Game’ of what the right thing is to do, versus what my gut instinct says.
I wanted to meet up and she refused. She knows I can get her emotional but she has been dating a new man for a couple of months. I think she had been considering him as a branch swing for the last few weeks of our relationship but she’d never admit. We did not meet up. I told her I love her and she said at another time she would have had an answer for me. She told me she had felt the love from me, that she thinks I am sweet and a good man. The idea of being a good man is very important to me for some reason, because I come off as brash and arrogant to most people in the beginning.
I never thought we were going to make it long term, because I didn’t think she loved me. I didn’t think she loved me because she didn’t say it. I was waiting for her to say it first, as you are ‘supposed’ to in most game texts. This caused me strife because what I felt was strong for her, but it was not aligning with what I am ‘supposed’ to be doing. She had a couple red flags, navel piercing and she is a bit older, but boil it down and I was happy. I had a cute (was) virgin teenager fawning over me and I dumped her for J. So I am stuck in a dichotomy. Things I am supposed to avoid make me happy, and things I am supposed to cherish do not. This has caused a bit of an identity crisis. I am no longer sure of what I want or what I am looking for.
The rules I have followed, the ones that got me here and guided me to this success are now a map that I followed off a cliff.
I know better, we must treat Game as training wheels, you keep them on until you are comfortable without them and you discard them.
I do love her, and I believe this is the purest form of love I’ve experienced in my life. Twice before my love for a woman came from a place of scarcity, dating ‘above’ your league. With her it was simply easy to be myself, be authentic, and we would never be bored or anything. This emotional connection has been incredibly rare.
I am not going to wait around or anything. It feels gross to think of her with another man. If her relationship fails it will be more than a few weeks, of which time I will have moved on. Emotionally I am still in shock, it may hit me a week later or three. Right now I just feel like the world is moving at half speed. I am in no rush or hurry, I have no cares or desires, just wandering through the world like a nomad merchant in the desert.
I am glad I found out she did love me and I am glad I told her. It hurts but with this pain comes motivation. The last couple of months I have been just floating through life, now I have my edge back. Everything great came from some man’s rock bottom, where he just cannot take it anymore and rises up. Mediocrity is the numbness that keeps you in place, giving you just enough to keep you complacent.
I lost a deep emotional connection because of my ego, and that hurts. But my ego is what created all of this. I’ll never know or be quite sure what would have happened if I took any of the numerous opportunities to confess my love, but I know I wouldn’t be single now, I wouldn’t even be blogging honestly. Whether or not this shows my ‘true’ colors of being a relationship guy, or sends me over the edge into full player lifestyle will be seen in a couple months.
All in all, that night I went out with my buddy Sunny on a whim to a bar, I got a 10 month relationship and fell in love and lost it all. If you told me this would happen last December, I would snap take that in a heartbeat.
I met with her tonight and poured my heart out to her. She has no interest in taking me back. She is with a new man and takes her relationships very seriously. I am incredibly jaded and very depressed. This is why I got into Game and pickup, was to find love. My ego did not allow me to express it out of fear. I followed the ‘rules’ that had made me so successful, but it now has blown up in my face. I have now convinced myself that I have made a huge mistake and it really hurts. A part of me believes that I really could have made it work with her long term.
But I am so young and the sphere says don’t go on lock down, find a young virgin international girl to make you happy. But I WAS happy with her, a cute career girl who is a few years older than me with a navel piercing. That certainly does NOT line up with what most guys suggest.
I have so much time, so I am not worried about ending up alone. I just worry that not trusting my gut instinct caused me to lose something really special. The little boy inside was actually right for once, and not the game created persona that has become such a big part of me.
I don’t know where to go from here. I know that girls are not special unique snowflakes, but are all dirty girls who want to be punished and dominated. I cannot go back to my idealistic teenage self, of course. But am I truly a cad in my heart? Is this persona an ideal I can actually build and become?
Or is my true nature that of a little boy, who simply wants to be at ease with his girl in a life of comfort and mediocrity?
After this though, I’ll simply fuck 10 more girls to get over her and consider what to do then.